Happy, Sad, Confused, Jealous

You could apply all or some of those too many parts of my life right now. Once again, I have no idea if I have the right to feel any of them. I mean, some I brought on myself. But still, some I never asked for and some I really should NOT FEEL.

My life is, to put it mildly complicated. This blog is my sanctuary, my special place. When I'm down, I write here. When I'm happy, I write here. When I'm stressed, I write here. Sometimes I cannot find my voice, and I cannot post. These days are the worst as I walk around with the weight of the world upon my shoulders. I have lots on my mind and lots of things that need to be said but I can make no sense of any of the clutter running around my brain today.

I have learned something recently regarding this situation. I have no control. Nothing I can do, say, think or dream of will change a damn thing. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I thought I had everything figured out. Now I know that you can't have anything totally planned or even figured out, something is always going to get thrown into the mix to mess things up. I want to have a normal life, but what is normal?

Love you with all my heart

I have had a bad week in general. It has been hot and though I normally enjoy a good rain shower they are not helping they are just making things hot, humid, and sticky. My hormones are running rampant and the most minor nuisances have really been getting to me. Love songs have me in tears this week and I have really been missing Bruce. Its amazing how one person can enter your world and change your life so dramatically.

My marriage is a great achievement. Bruce and I both thought we would grow old alone and a chance meeting in an online gaming community changed our lives forever. I must admit though that having a long distance relationship when you are dating is very different from a long distance relationship when you are married. Bruce comes to visit about every 2 months and every time we have to part it is more painful than the time before and my heart just breaks.

We try to look at our separation as a learning and growth experience. We get frustrated, we get lonely, but we also share many happy joyful experiences which help us grow as a couple. Bruce is my best friend I can't imagine a day in my life without him. He hopes to move here in the early part of 2009. That is really not a long time but it sure seems like it when you wake up alone every morning wanting nothing more to be in the arms of the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

Home life is about the same. I am stressed and not sleeping well which I am sure adds to the mood I have been in this week. The doctors are not offering much hope in anything long term that will help ease my mothers pain. The new doctor is talking about implanting a bionic chip in her that she can control with a remote control. Basically when she is in pain she pushes a button and it send an electric current to the nerves to block the pain. They don't guarantee that this will work and there is a possible three to four thousand dollar co-pay which we just don't have. So for now mom spends most days heavily medicated and in the bed. I don't believe she will ever return to work. So for now I am working my ass off and trying to keep up with the household fiances and chores that pile up through out the work week.

I am now off to bed to toss and turn for a couple of hours before I doze off and awake an hour or so later with my mind going non stop. I will roll over and stare at the large red numbers on the clock practically waiting for morning to arrive.

Struggle

Some days I find myself frustrated, filled with words I want to say and yet as I write them, I choke on those very words. Perhaps they are not meant to be seen.