So Long 2009

It’s New Year’s Eve. Where has the year gone?

It is the end of a year and the end of a decade. I am very glad to say goodbye to 2009 it has been a rough year for myself and many others. I could go on and on about the many things that have happened this past year, but I’m going to keep it short and simple.

I am truly looking forward to 2010 as being a year of new beginnings, adventures and a healthy, happy me. To my husband who is my best friend and the love of my life I could not have made it through this year without you. To my friends may this new decade be a new beginning for us all and may we all find some organized chaos in our lives.

What is wrong with me?

I've been feeling a little out of sorts the past couple of days. I can't believe how cranky I am. I don't know if people are noticing or not but I can feel it! I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I want to be left alone!

I believe the main source of my moodiness is I am in a lot of pain. My left shoulder has been hurting again. It has been consistent for about 3 days and nights now. Nothing I take (tylenol, aleve, booze) helps it. I go to sleep in pain and I wake up in pain. Usually sleeping helps alleviate the pain, but not this week.

I did my last weigh in for this year yesterday. Nothing impressive but I am ending the year weighing less than when I started my journey in August.

Happy Christmas Eve

I am off to a Family Christmas Eve Gathering to open presents and eat way to much stuff I am not suppose to be eating!! I wish all my friends a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, magic, laughter and lots and lots of love.

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

Christmas is 4 days away, but to look around my house you would never know it. There is no tree, there are no decorations, there are no pretty packages with festive paper and curly ribbon bows.

Usually Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love decorating the tree, hanging lights on everything outside my home that does not move out of the way and sending out Christmas cards. I love seeing all the Christmas lights as I drive down the street.

But not this year. I do not feel like celebrating this year.

This has by all accounts been a very stressful year in my life. Lots of relationships ended, needed to end, had to end for me to find my sanity again. Other relationships took a step forward and in the right direction. My husband Bruce and I are now starting our lives alone away from the users and abusers. It has been hard, but we are taking it one day at a time. There are still daily struggles, but we have our faith and our love for each other to get us through.

Faith, Hope and Love... Now isn't that truly what Christmas spirit is?

Up on the roof there arose such a clatter!

No it isn't Santa making an early deliver, its just the maintenance men on the rooftop again working on the roof. This is the second morning in a row they have woke me up by 7:00am. I did not sleep well last night so I was not very happy by this development. Perfect way to start of this very BAD day.

I am still trying to get financial aid to start school next month. I went to the college on Tuesday with my income tax return and W2 for 2008 and filled out a ton of forms and paperwork. So imagine my frustration this morning when I found an email saying they needed me to come to the college and fill out a form that I had filled out on Tuesday. So I spent an hour on the phone with them trying to get that straightened out. I still have to go and take a assessment (entrance) exam before the end of this month and then pick my classes.

My eating has been crazy the past week. I am premenstrual, menopausal, cranky and nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I am bloated and I am miserable and unhappy with the way I look and feel. I look in the mirror and I see my beautiful face, eyes and hair, but then I see the rolls of my stomach, my huge ass, and the cellulite on my thighs and I am reminded of how far I have let myself go. I don't want to be trapped in my own body any longer. I must get back on track and take control of my life.

Where do I begin?

Starting Weight: 263.5

Today's Weight : 271.5

Weight Gain :  ↑ 8.0

A lot has happened since I last blogged here with all you nice people. The most major change is that my husband and I have moved from Las Vegas, Nevada to Tucson, Arizona. We had to get away from all the negativity that was in Las Vegas, from so-called friends to crazy family members. We have a wonderful family here and a great support network and people who really love and care about us and are not just looking to use us for their own selfish needs.

On the downside, the economy is no better here than it is anywhere else in the country. Neither of us has been able to find work and my husband just entered tier three of his unemployment which means we have 20 more weeks and then there is no more. I have been applying for every cook, cashier, operator, customer service job I can find and so far absolutely NOTHING.

I made a decision last week to return to school and pursue my degree in Health Information Technology. When I am done I hope to get a job working in a doctor's office environment.

Needless to say, all this is causing me a great deal of worry and stress. Nothing sends me toward food faster than stress, worry, and disappointment. So no surprise I have gained 8 pounds since my last weigh-in. So here I am again starting again on this journey with more determination than ever. I can do this, I was doing this, I just have to make the conscious decision that it is now time.

My New Life

Well a lot has happened in my life since my last blog entry. I finally quit my job and got myself out of the bad environment that I was living in. Its amazing how much you find out about someone when you are forced to live and work with them everyday. Lets just say I learned who my friends are and most important who they AREN'T.

Bruce (my husband) and I have moved to Tucson, Arizona. He was raised here and most of his family is here so we have a great support network. Sadly we had no support network in Las Vegas since me and my mother and sister had our huge falling out in June.

We have both been unable to find work yet but we are hopeful. It takes time, and hey we have nothing but time lol! I have also been looking into school which may be an option too. I just ain't sure the ole gal has it in her to go back to school. Heck do I remember how to study?

Life is unpredictable...

Starting Weight: 266.1

Today's Weight: 263.5

Weight Loss: ↓ 2.6

I am very shocked that there is a weight loss up there! A lot has been going on since I last posted. I have lost all motivation, I have had the flu, I quit my job last Thursday (ongoing disagreement with management) and I broke a toe Saturday Night. So as you can see I have pretty much hit bottom and am starting my journey to climb out again.

I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband who is behind me completely. It is so nice to have someone who loves and believes in you no matter what. I sent off a resume today and I am pretty sure that I will be called in for an interview so cross your fingers for me. It was time for a change, I finally excepted that, and its time to move on.

Hope everyone is doing well and had a great weekend! I will post again soon.

Rest in Peace Patrick Swayze

Starting Weight: 264.9

Todays Weight : 266.1

Weight Gain :  ↑ 1.2

I am shocked by that number up there!! The reason I am shocked is because I was expecting it to be a lot higher!! As I am sure you have noticed I haven't blogged a lot the past week or so. The reason being is because I fell off the wagon, HARD. I will spare you all the gory details, some things are left best to the imagination! The sad thing or maybe the good thing is I did not enjoy myself. Most of the food I placed into my body did not taste like it "use" to taste. There was no enjoyment, no satisfaction, no pay off. Just me feeling bad because I should have stopped myself before I even started.

So now the journey begins to clean up the aftermath and get back on track. I just hope I am strong enough to do it.

May you rest in peace Patrick Swayze you will be dearly missed.

Happy Labor Day

Starting Weight: 266.3

Todays Weight : 264.9

Weight Loss : ↓ 1.4

Rainy Days and Friday

So as you all know I just recently recovered from a major illness. Thanks for all your messages of support and concern. The funny thing is I more than likely caught the virus at the gym the place I am going to get healthy. You really never think about the germs that you are encountering while you are working out. So just a friendly reminder make sure you wipe down your equipment with disinfectant before and after you use it!

Work was INSANE today I am so glad I went to the gym before work! We are always busy before major holidays but today was just chaos! Around 3pm it started slowing down and started raining. Now you have to understand I live in Las Vegas, Nevada so rain is a major event! I went outside with a co-worker and we just stood in the rain for about 10 minutes, it was very refreshing and very relaxing.

After work Bruce and I went to the library, Walmart, and Smiths. One of the main things I went to pick up at Walmart was new socks for the gym. The socks I currently own were rubbing blisters on the bottom of my feet. I never realized until tonight how many colors, styles and brands of socks there were! I finally decided on hanes sports cool and dry. They are really cushy and are suppose to keep your feet from sweating. We will see.

Well I am off to bed I hope to go to the gym before work in the morning. I hope everyone has a great night!

We interrupt this blog...

I am sick. I have a upper respiratory infection, a bacterial infection in my left ear and in both eyes. I am miserable and highly contagious. Needless to say my journey has been put on a temporary hold.

Hope you are all having a better start to your week than I am.

The Smell of McDonalds

Today was weigh-in day at work. Out of the eight of us that are "dieting", 5 of us gained weight since last week. I am happy to say I was NOT one of them! :) The morning was moving along smoothly, I was cleaning out desk drawers, doing some paperwork, and answering the phone here and there. I got up and went to my bosses desk and we were discussing next weeks schedule.

Then out the window I see one of my co workers walking up with a MCDONALDS bag!! OMG anything but MCDONALDS!!! She walked in and you could immediately smell french fries! I am drooling typing this! How can something that smells so good be so bad for you? Me and my boss just looked at her and told her to get away from us! LOL!! We are going to put a NO MCDONALDS sign on the front door!!

I am off to bed! I have to get up early in the morning so I can go to the gym before I start work at noon! I hope everyone has a great night and a wonderful weekend!

Today's Challenge and Motivation

Make two columns. The label on column "Narrow Road" for my diet plan. 

The label the other "Wider Road" for my maintenance or alternative eating plan.

Narrow Road

Water, Water, Water!!

Exercise at least 3 times a week.

Post in my Food Journal (Blog) Daily.

Eat Healthy.

Eat Slowly.

Stay Focus.

No Fried Food, Fast Food, or Second Helpings.

Learn to eat when I am hungry and not out of boredom, stress, etc.

Wider Road

Concentrate on what I am eating and why I am eating it.

Concentrate on making healthier choices.

Focus on how good getting and being healthy feels.

So how was your day

To bed late, and up early. Just couldn't sleep. The lack of sleep made me feel like I was hungover. Some shopping, the gym (I really need to try some new machines), then got called into work on my day off ( I needed the hours). Now I have an upset stomach. So how was your day?

Today's Challenge and Motivation

In your diet or exercise plan, identify a task you don’t feel like doing, and then do it anyway! Record it here.

I really do not feel like going to the gym today. I was up way too late, my shoulder hurts, and I just want to sleep!

Notice how it feels to accomplish a goal by taking a “no matter what” approach to it. Describe your reaction.

I went to the gym with my husband and I had a very good workout. Once I got there it was very enjoyable and I felt a sense of accomplishment. My shoulder did not hinder me at all.

Make a list of several actions you plan to stick with today, regardless of how you feel at the moment.

I will get up early enough to eat a healthy breakfast before work.

I will go get at least one hour of exercise regardless of how I feel.

I will look in the mirror and tell myself I am worth it.

I will always remember that to love others I must love myself first.

Interested or committed?

Today was a very quiet day for me. It was my first day off on my new work schedule. My work schedule has changed and I will now be working weekends from 12pm-8pm and off on Wednesday and Thursday. The good thing is I can get my Thursday workout in earlier in the day. The bad thing is I am not sure what I am going to do for dinner those 2 nights since I am not supposed to eat past 8pm (Oh look another challenge! I love a challenge).

My husband Bruce went and played golf today and got a nasty sunburn while I stayed home with our psychotic dog. I tried to sleep but between Kody wanting to run in and out and the pain in my shoulder that was in full force today that was a losing battle. So I laid around in bed and watched tv and surfed the internet.

This evening we went out to dinner (not a buffet), gambled a little and walked around the casino for about an hour. Came home watched America's Got Talent and Ghosthunters. Now I am off to bed! I hope everyone had a great day and stayed on track!

Today's Challenge and Motivation

Decide that you will always be committed to your weight-loss plan, not just interested. Write a declaration about your new level of commitment.

I will eat 3 healthy meals a day and two or three healthy snacks. I will eat to fuel my body and I will learn to recognize when my body is full. I will not eat past 8pm nightly and will drink no less than 64 ounces of water a day. I will do some form of exercise for at least an hour daily. I will love myself and my body.

Now describe how you will stick with your program, no matter what.

I will wake up every day with the motivation and knowledge that I am WORTH it. I will eat healthy meals and I will exercise daily if it is nothing more than walking the dog. I will keep a daily journal of what I am putting into my body and the exercise I am doing to make my body stronger. I will weigh myself weekly and make adjustments as needed.

Do at least one thing today that demonstrates you are truly committed. For example, take a walk or eat your vegetables—no matter what. Then write down your action so you can celebrate it.

I walked the dog 3 times today and I walked about an hour around a casino this evening with my husband. I also ate a healthy dinner and drank lots of water.

I am worth it

Got off work today and hit the gym and worked out for an hour. I thought the last 10 minutes were going to kill me but guess what I made it. If you had told me a month ago I would be a member of a gym and actually going and enjoying it I would have told you that you were crazy! The last time I joined a gym I went about twice and then got frustrated and lost all interest. I believe the difference this time is that I have support from my husband Bruce and we go to the gym and encourage and support each other.

I received one of my books yesterday “100 Days of Weight Loss”. It is a book with 100 days of weight loss challenges and motivation. I will be posting the challenges here on a daily basis to help me stay on track and be accountable for my thoughts and actions.

Today's Challenge and Motivation

Make a list of any fears or negative behaviors that have hurt your weight loss success in the past.

1. Lack of Motivation.

2. Lack of Exercise.

3. Bad Food Choices.

4. Not Drinking Water.

5. No Support Network.

6. I will fail again so why try.

7. I can not live without my Pepsi.

8. Only skinny healthy people go to gyms.

9. I am afraid of the attention I will receive after losing weight.

10. It will be hard why bother?

11. As soon as I quit dieting I will gain it all back and some extra.

Then write new ending for them by completing this sentence: I used to _____________ (fill in old behavior), but now I ___________ (write new behavior).

1. I used to have no motivation or interest in doing the things needed to get healthy, but now I am learning that I can eat healthy, exercise, and make my life better.

2. I used to be to lazy to exercise but now I have discovered I love exercising and I have the motivation and dedication to do it.

3. I used to make very poor food choices because it was fast and easy, but now I have learned that eating healthy makes me feel better, is actually cheaper, and is very

fulfilling.

4. I used to never drink water I didn't like the taste, but now I love water and actually prefer drinking it over soda.

5. I used to have no support network, but now I have a wonderful, loving husband and very supportive friends who encourage and help me stay on my path to health.

6. I used to be afraid to try because I was positive I would fail, but now I am positive that I will not fail.

7. I used to drink a 12 pack of Pepsi a day, but now I have discovered that my body needs water and I actually enjoy it more than soda.

8. I used to believe that if I went to the gym people would stare, point, and laugh at me, but now I love going to the gym and have discovered that most people are there for the same reason to get or to stay healthy.

9. I used to be afraid of the attention I would receive after weight loss because I use my weight as a shield, but now I have the courage to move forward and the support of a wonderful partner.

10. I used to believe getting healthy would be the hardest thing I would ever do, but now I know it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I also know that it is also the most important thing I will ever do for myself.

11. I used to believe that as soon as I stopped watching my diet I would gain all the weight back I had lost and then some, but now I know I will have the knowledge and the support to maintain a normal and healthy lifestyle. I am worth it!!!!

Tales of the Scale

Starting Weight: 268.1

Todays Weight : 266.3

Weight Loss : ↓ 1.8

Quiet Sunday

Stay Tuned for Monday's Weigh In!

I am very nervous I know I didn't do well this week!

Back on Track

I'm feeling much better today and I am back on track. My husband and I got up bright and early this morning and went to the gym. I did an hour of water aerobics class while my husband Bruce worked out on the machines. About halfway through the class, I came to the conclusion that I really do not like water aerobics. This was my second class and I wanted to go again to give it another chance but my feelings did not change. So from now on, I will be focusing my gym time on the treadmill, stationary bike, and trying out some new machines as I feel comfortable.

After our workout hubby and decided to go get some breakfast/lunch. I do not know if I have mentioned before but I live in Las Vegas, Nevada the BUFFET capital of the world (lol). We did end up at a buffet and guess what I didn't go crazy and eat a bunch of crap! I managed to eat and stay within the boundaries I have set for myself (but let me tell you the dessert bar looked awesome!!).

Keep Moving Forward

As I sit here I really do not know what to write tonight. It was a bad week, but I am feeling better today. Thank you to everyone who left messages of encouragement. I was beating myself up earlier for not exercising more this week. Then I had this realization that I had to not exercise to take care of myself this week and now that I am doing better I can hit it full force again.

I am struggling on a daily basis. No one said this was going to be easy. The difference this time is that I do not let bad decisions derail me. Bad decisions just make me determined to try that much harder. You have to keep getting up and keep moving forward. There are set backs in all aspects of your life, why should this be any different. If you want something you have to fight for it, that makes it that much more meaningful when you succeed.

Things will get better

Is it just me, or is this the longest week, EVER? Honestly, it seems like it has taken so long to get to Friday. The past few days I have been ridiculously off track, today was no different. I don't feel my food choice were all the best they could have been, but they also could have been a lot worse. Exercise has been null for two days now. My water intake could be better. Unfortunately, all I want to do is stay curled up in a ball in bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day that I am back to NORMAL!

Today was the first official weigh in at work. Everyone lost weight and were all very excited that the hard work and dedication is paying off. I had lost weight since I weighed last Thursday at work, but I had gained 2 pounds since my official Monday Morning Weigh In. I was really bummed out but then I remembered that I am bloated and retaining water.

Weight loss journeys are just like our lives. Sometimes there are good times and sometimes there are bad times, but things NEVER stay the same. So when things are bad we just need to hold on, because as long as we keep trying things will get better.

I tripped over a rock in the road

I am feeling frustrated and discouraged as I sit and write this entry tonight. Today I decided to take a day off from exercising due to issues I am having with TOM. I woke up with zero energy, a terrible headache, and the determination to make this a great day regardless.

That determination got me absolutely nowhere today. I did not exercise, I did not consume enough water and to top off this AWESOME (sarcasm) day I ate 10 potato chips tonight. Honestly I did not enjoy them and I have no idea why I ate them to begin with. Self Sabotage? PMS? Stress? Old Habit?? Comfort Eating??

I know there will be days in this journey when I will not make the best choices. Today was one of them.

Does this come with a airbag?

Thanks for all the nice comments and concerns on my last post. I am not feeling much better today but I got out of bed and carried on with my day. I did some walking at work and I’m totally proud that I got my workout in this afternoon even though I was in a great deal of pain from TOM.

Speaking of the gym, while I was there this afternoon on the treadmill a man a couple of rows back from me FLEW off a treadmill! Now I am not sure if the machine malfunctioned or if he malfunctioned but the weird thing was NO ONE stopped to check on this man. A few people asked him if he was ok but no one stopped working out.

(Note to self: Don't get hurt at the gym...lol)

I hope you all have a great week and that all your treadmills come equipped with airbags. LOL!

A New Week

Starting Weight: 278.1

Today's Weight: 268.1

Weight Loss: ↓ 10

I woke up this morning very anxious because it was weigh-in day. I stepped on the scale and I am down 10 pounds! That got me all psyched up for the day! I was feeling good, legs a little sore but I wasn't going to let that stop me from having a great day.

I got showered and dressed for work and stopped on the way and got something for breakfast. I got to work, took my morning walk, and when I got back I discovered TOM decided to visit today. So much for my great day. I came home took a shower, took some pain medication and curled up in bed with my live heating pad "Kody" and took a long nap.

I woke up a few hours later still in a bit of pain and hubby went downstairs and got me some water and the SALAD left from last night's dinner. I sit in bed and picked at it and drank my water. Then I did a little internet surfing and laid back down a while. When I woke up we had a wonderful dinner even though I wasn't very hungry.

I am now sitting in here in bed typing this entry in my blog (sucking on a grape jolly rancher) thinking about tomorrow. I hope that TOM isn't going to interfere with gym day. I hope these stomach cramps go away, I hope my legs stop protesting and realize that they can not divorce my body, and most of all I hope that I do not have to eat another SALAD!

Wishing Everyone an awesome week and much luck on their journeys.

First Weekend on my Journey

The weekend usually is the deal breaker with me when I am attempting to lose weight. You are at home for like 60 hours with access to a kitchen full of "evil food" just calling you to come get it. Yes that evil PIE is still on the counter and NO I still have not gave in to its constant calling.

I slept in late this morning (9:30am) and got up sick at my stomach and barely able to walk. My legs were so sore from yesterday (No Pain No Gain... wait shouldnt that be No Pain No Loss) but as I moved around they got better. I bought three books from Amazon. "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" , "100 Days of Weight Loss" and "Life is Hard, Food is Easy". I can't wait for them to get here next week. In the meantime, I broke out my Biggest Loser book looking for recipe ideas. There are a few things I am going to attempt to make. While thumbing through the book one particular quote stuck in my head. "You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction".

I am continuing to move forward. I'm just taking it one day at a time and I'm doing the best that I can each day. That is all a person can do. I am really having trouble focusing today. I have started dinner, and I am sitting here with a headache. After dinner I am taking a 30 minute walk with my husband and Kody since I have done absolutely NO exercise today. Well ok I have went up and down the stairs 4 times does that count??

Tune it tomorrow for my first official weigh in!!

One Step at a Time

I realize that this journey I have started is not about being on a diet, it is about learning to live a healthier lifestyle. Its about me. I did this to myself, I am the only one who can fix it. There is no quick fix, no one else can do it for me. I have to do it for ME! Failure is not an option this time!

Some days are harder than others but we are all human right? Today was HARD I am not going to candy coat it (Oooooo candy...no wait bad bad bad) I went to the gym with my husband and I worked out for an HOUR! I did 30 minutes on the stationary bike and 30 minutes on the thread mill. I actually DID it, I sweat, I almost cried, I felt like I was going to puke and pass out BUT I kept going and I made it. I thought the people at the front desk were going to call a ambulance when I flopped in the chair by the front door to wait on my husband to get out of the locker room. Now really am I the only FAT chick who works out here? I am sure you have seen other people crawl to their car.

I made it to the car and then we had to make a stop at the grocery store. Grocery shopping is a nightmare still! They place all this very unhealthy, addictive, cheap, stuff right inside the front door! Great I have to look at potato chips and cookies just what I want to see. One cookie my whole last hour is thrown out the window! I make it past the "on sale evil goodies" and this employee greets us with raffle tickets. Its customer appreciation day and if we call your number you win a prize. Ok whatever I want to get my ground turkey and squash and get the heck home and in the shower.

I got my squash, some zuchini, some fresh corn on the cob and my ground turkey. All the sudden over the loud speaker they call out some numbers. Woooo Hoooo my husband won something! He goes to the front, spins a wheel and is presented a coupon for.....YOU WILL NEVER GUESS!!!

A FREE PIE! Dayum!! Come on!!! Really??? A PIE?? (shaking head)...

We came home, we got showers and my wonderful husband cleaned the kitchen. After I recovered from my excursion to the gym we started dinner. He grilled chicken and I cooked the squash and corn on the cob. Dinner was wonderful and very filling. As I was taking my plate to the kitchen the evil pie was sitting on the counter calling me. I could just go over there and get some pie and say I'll do better tomorrow. But I made the choice not to.

I'm making progress. I'm exercising. I'm making healthy decisions. I'm continuing on my journey to find me. I'm doing it one step at a time.

TGIF

Well, it is Friday, and I’m definitely ready for the weekend! It has been a very long long week. Sorry I did not actually blog yesterday but by the time I got home I was to tired to lift a finger to type. Why was I so tired you ask? I took 2 10 minute walks during work and then went to my first visit to the gym after work and did an hour of water aerobics. I actually made it through the entire class and felt very good afterwards. There were times I had no clue what I was supposed to be doing so I improvised lol! Believe me I slept very well last night.

Now on to Friday.

Most of the morning crew at work is on a diet and we are trying to support and encourage each other. Some are doing better than others of course. We are having a great time and I think we are actually making some progress as a group. Our first weigh in at work will be next Thursday. I took 2 10 minute walks today. Monday we are going to attempt to walk around the entire block. I think we are ready!

My eating has still been mostly on track. It isn’t perfect, but considering what I COULD be putting into my body I'm not going to complain...MUCH! The idea of salad makes me cringe, I need to find something healthy that is not GREEN to take to work!!

Tomorrow is Another Day

Today was not a good food day by any stretch of the imagination. I made some bad choices and ate way to much food today. I still have the munchy so I HAVE to watch the grazing. I know that there will be days I slip up, but I will not let that stop me any more. I also made some great choices.

I walked 10 minutes 3 times today and my husband and I joined the gym. I will be going tomorrow night for my first workout. I am going to start out with stationary bike, treadmill, and water aerobics. Once I am comfortable with that I may try to move up to some weights. I need to be CONSISTENT with my exercise. I must go three times a week. My husband and I even went and bought me some new comfortable sneakers for the occasion!

I am having a hard time staying focused long enough tonight to make a new blog. As I am sitting here typing this a lot of things are running through my mind. "Man I am tired", "What am I going to take to work tomorrow for lunch", "I am sick of salad this week", "Is it Friday yet", and last but not least "I would love a Whopper (lol)".

Well that is about all I got tonight folks. I am tired and off to bed. I hope everyone is reaching their goals and having a good week. As for me.... Tomorrow is another day.

Mirror Mirror

It’s the worst feeling to look at yourself in the mirror and wonder how on earth you allowed yourself to get this way. When did I stop caring? Why did I not stop the weight gain in the beginning?

I need to lose a lot of weight but I refuse to look at the whole picture as it can be overwhelming. I must take small steps and set small obtainable goals. First goal will be obtained tomorrow. My husband and I are joining a gym. My second goal will be to actually GO TO THE GYM and make use of said membership. Third goal is to reach 250 pounds.

I am not as hungry today or as moody. I think my body takes about 3 days to adjust to not having all the sugar and caffeine that you get in drinking about 2 big gulps a day. I am still not getting enough water intake. I have had three 16.9 ounce bottle of propel today. Which is about 3 more bottles than I usually have. LOL!

My legs have been really hurting, I have started taking my potassium pills again and trying to eat a banana every morning religiously. I also take a blood pressure pill daily and am still taking my sleeping pills at night to sleep (Thank god for ambien). Hopefully once I start exercising I might begin to sleep better.

Here I go Again

Current Weight: 278.1

Well here we go again. I am going to attempt to get on track, eat better and stop drinking soda. I have done this before and did very well at it but I let all the stress of my life get me off track and I fell hard. I am going to try to be very good and document here everyday what I am thinking, my mood and state of mind.

At the time of this posting I am thinking "Man I picked the wrong day to quit drinking".

Let's start my first post with a little information about myself. I was approved for lap band surgery in February 2009. I went through all the necessary steps, tests, evaluations, and paperwork and was attempting to schedule my surgery in March 2009. At this time my insurance company decided that they DID NOT cover this procedure that I was told in February that they did. I appealed and lost. Blue Cross Blue Shield SUCKS! The following is a list of my health in detail as of February.

Height: 66 Inches

Weight: 278.1

BMI: 45.2

Frame Size: Medium

Ideal Body Weight: 137.7

Excess Body Weight: 142.4

Current Medical Issues: GERD, Hypertension, Hypercholesterolemia, Hyperlipidemia, Metabolic Syndrome, and Impaired Glucose Tolerance.

Whew now that we have that out of the way! I will be weighing in every Monday. I believe once a week is sufficient and I will not become a slave to the scale.

Eating, Sleeping and Drooling

Last Thursday night I was laying in bed watching tv and I got this very intense pain in my upper back, shoulder, and neck. It lasted for about a half-hour and it slowly decreased in intensity. I didn't sleep well that night. The following morning I had the same pain again. It wasn't as intense but it was in the same area as before. It lasted for a little while and again it passed. I worked all day with no real issues. It was Friday and I was looking forward to the weekend. Work ended and I went home. We all had dinner, I took a shower, and I was sitting down using the computer when this very intense pain hit me. It was worse than the night before and I had difficulty breathing. I had Bruce get an ice pack and I layed down in the bed with it on my neck. I layed there for about 15 minutes and then decided that to be on the safe side we better go to the emergency room.

When we got there the triage nurse did an EKG and took my blood pressure which was 160/94. We were asked to go to the waiting area and they would call me back when they had a bed available. We sat in the waiting area for 30-40 minutes and like the previous times the pain slowly decreased and went away. I told Bruce that I wanted to go home. We got up to let the nurse know that we were leaving and she said "Of all the people in that waiting room, you are the one who MOST needs to stay here." I said fine and went and sat back down even though I would have rather have left.

A short time later the nurse got a wheelchair and took us to the back where a nice emergency room physician told me I was having all the classic symptoms of a heart attack and that they needed to keep me overnight for observation and run some tests (stress test, echocardiogram and a ton of blood work) on me the following day. The nurse started an IV and the lab came and drew blood and a nitroglycerine patch was placed on my neck to lower my blood pressure which was still high. Around 12:30am I was placed in a room in the chest pain unit with a nurse that was dumb as a rock. She took my vitals and I attempted to get some sleep which as we all know is impossible in a hospital with all the beeping machines and vampires. This one lady had no clue what she was doing and I still have the bruise to prove it. When they took my vitals at 3:00am my blood pressure was 67/36, she said that can't be right and she took it again with almost the same result. She then went and got another machine and took it once again and guess what got the same results. She then looked at me and said "Are you wearing a nitro patch?" I said "You are the nurse shouldn't you know?" she got pissy and looked under my hair and ripped the patch off my neck.

They ran all their test the following day and couldn't find anything wrong with me. They released me that afternoon and gave me a card to follow up with a cardiologist. Now if there is nothing wrong with my heart why do I have to go see a cardiologist? I went home and stayed in bed the rest of the weekend. I got up and went to work on Monday and around 4pm started having the pain again and my blood pressure was again elevated. I made an appointment to see my doctor the next morning.

Went to see my doctor he is 99% certain I have a pinched nerve in my neck since they both present the same way. He has me sedated on muscle relaxers and pain medication while we wait for my insurance to approve the MRI for my neck. So that is where I am at this point. Waiting for a phone call for an MRI and drugged to the hilt. All I am doing is eating, sleeping, and drooling... lol

Sometimes you have to do what is best for you

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I moved out of the apartment my husband and I were sharing with my mother. I finally had all of her behavior that I could stand. The fights, the negativity, the hatred for my husband and for our new pet. Nothing we did could make her happy. She is in desperate need of help and is in denial. While I was standing on the porch with all the police, firemen, and paramedics going in and out of our apartment trying to determine if my mother had taken an overdose (again) I realized I could not and would not live like this anymore. I finally realized I could not do anything for her, she has to want to take responsibility and help herself.

I am still dealing with extreme anger and guilt that this had to happen. My sister who has not been in our lives for the past 4 years or so is now passing judgment on me and accusing me of being a liar and of abusing our mother for the past 4 years. She will learn and the hard way I am afraid. If anyone was abused in the past 4 years it was me. I did everything for my mother and she did nothing, was never thankful or appreciative. I sold things (my car, while paying for her car) to support us, I took out payday loans that my paycheck is now being garnished for to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. And I was abusive???

But even with all the anger, I am feeling there is still guilt that I have abandoned the woman who gave birth to me. She was never really a mother, my grandmother raised me and we saw "my mother" whenever we fit into her life. Which sadly to say was not too very often.

My husband and I have moved in with friends who happily opened their homes and hearts for us. There is no pressure, no stress, no preconceived notions. We just all do our own things and live our lives. I am grateful they have always been here and that they have been such a source of emotional support.

I am hoping over the next few weeks I can cut some of this baggage I am carrying around loose and just be. But for now, I hope everyone understands that sometimes you have to do what is best for you.

A Update on Life

So here I sit staring at this blank white page wondering what to write. I have not written anything in quite a while. It's not because nothing is going on. It's not because I don't have lots of things I could be telling you. It's because every time I sit down here to write I draw this great big blank. I guess some call it writer's block.

The last time I wrote it was snowing in Las Vegas. That was a very pleasant surprise for all that live here in the middle of the desert. It was quite treacherous but also quite beautiful. We had to cancel Christmas in Tucson because I had missed a week of work ill, So I worked Christmas, and then we had a quiet Christmas at home. New Year's Eve was quiet as we decided to spend it at home and watch the fireworks on the television.

Then came January 29th my daughter-in-law had a son they named him Aaron. I am now a grandmother. February brought Bruce's sister Janet visiting for a week. For Valentines Day my wonderful husband who I love so very much spoiled me, he hand-delivered a dozen yellow roses to me at work, he also bought me chocolate and a few other things I can't mention here ;) I love him so very much. I got Bruce and me tickets to see Bite at the Stratosphere. We had a quiet dinner at Palace Station and then went to see the show. When we got ready to leave the Valet brought us the wrong vehicle. I can't believe that the stratosphere lost our car. It was cold and they were apologetic but all I wanted to do was go home.

Last weekend I called my husband from work and asked him if he would like to go to San Diego for the weekend. I caught him off guard but he enjoyed the spontaneity and got to see a side of me he hasn't seen before. I left work early, we packed up the car, and off we went. It took about 6 hours to get there. The ocean is always so calming for me. I could walk on the beach for hours. The water was still very cold but I still walked on the edge with it lapping at my feet. Kody on the other hand was not too impressed with the cold water. We found a wonderful Mexican restaurant with very delicious food, we ate sitting out front watching the people walking and driving by. I would definitely like to go back again once the weather gets warmer.

On a personal note, I am considering having lap band surgery performed. I went to a seminar and was scheduled for some tests. I passed all the medical tests and have now been cleared for surgery. I still have to receive a psych evaluation, meet with a nutritionist and save about $2,000.00 before they will schedule the surgery. I am still doing a lot of research and am not 100% sure that this is something that will create a positive experience for me. Guess I am having second thoughts or that I am afraid of the person I could become after the surgery. Hell, I don't know maybe I really do need that psych evaluation...lol! Bruce says he will stand by me regardless of what I decide. He loves me and nothing will change that ever. Hope everyone is in good health and is having a great 2009. Until next time take care and enjoy life.