The Final Countdown

2020 - Broke Me. 

2021 - Opened My Eyes.

2022 - I'm Coming Back!

2023 - Wait and See!!

2022 is ending, and 2023 is beginning.

As most of you know 2022 has been my year of rebuilding my life. I have been working hard on myself and finding my way again. I have made some positive changes over the past year.

I continued the journey I started in October 2021 to get stronger physically, mentally and emotionally. I got serious about my health and started eating healthier, joined a gym and I began exercising. I am finishing the year 49.6 pounds lighter, after some health issues the last month.

I got my driver’s license after many years of driving without one (It is a long story). This was a huge accomplishment for me and took several trips to the DMV.

I got a promotion at work and am finally in a position I enjoy. It is hard work but I enjoy every minute of it.

While these are all things to celebrate, I recognize that I still have work to do. Those small steps may have gotten me closer to my best life, but I definitely still have some distance to cover.

The first month of 2023 will bring exciting things. I am happy to report I will be continuing my journey in the new year in my own place. I am starting from scratch again which is scary and exciting at the same time.

I’ll be ringing in the new year at home in my pjs trying to stay awake long enough to see the ball drop!

May we all find peace, happiness, love and purpose in 2023!

My Journey

The distance between who I am and who I want to be is only separated by what I do!

 

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Wishing all my family and friends a wonderful Christmas Eve filled with joy, magic, laughter and lots and lots of love. 🎄

Keep Growing

Keep growing into the best version of yourself.

Don't ever let anyone try and steal your dreams!

Not even YOU.

Happy Thanksgiving

 

Tales of the Scales

Last Weigh In Weight: 264.0

Today's Weigh In Weight:  258.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 5.2

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 56.2

About Last Night

 

Struggling

I've been struggling for a couple of weeks now on my journey. I have hit a plateau and have not been feeling my best, but I have lost a substantial amount of weight over the past year, 55 pounds at age 55, and have spent too much time on this journey to be backtracking. It’s my journey and starting now I’m back in the game.

Seasonal Allergies

A employer imposed day off for sinus drainage and a cough. What my day will consist of. Got to love the change of seasons.

Tales of the Scales

Last Weigh In Weight: 261.0

Today's Weigh In Weight:  264.0

Weight Gain: ↑ 3.0

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 51

Washington Weekend

Spent a much needed weekend in Washington with my love. 

Tales of the Scales

Last Weigh In Weight: 263.6

Today's Weigh In Weight:  261.0

Weight Loss: ↓ 2.6

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 54

On my way to finding me

 

I found myself lost in you.

The best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 264.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  263.6

Weight Loss: ↓ 51.2

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 51.4

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 269.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  264.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 5.0

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 50.2

Your trauma made you stronger

No – My trauma made me traumatized. It made me incredibly weak. I had sleepless nights, and it gave me feelings that I never wanted to experience. I made myself stronger by dragging myself out of a dark place and dealing with consequences that weren’t my fault.

This is what RECOVERY looks like.  50 pounds lighter and thriving!

My strength did not come from lifting weights

My strength came from lifting myself up when I was knocked down.

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 269.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  267.2

Weight Loss: ↓ 2.6

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 47.8

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 269.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  269.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 0

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 45.2

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 269.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  269.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 0

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 45.2

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 272.0

Today's Weigh In Weight:  269.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 2.2

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 45.2

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 275.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  272.0

Weight Loss: ↓ 3.8

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 43.0 

Tales of the Scale

Last Weigh In Weight: 277.8

Today's Weigh In Weight:  275.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 2.0

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 39.2 

Working it Out

Did some outside exercise today before going to the gym. Was nice to get some fresh air and absorb some vitamin D.

Just shy of two and a half miles in 60 continuous minutes at a 5% incline.

A little bit stronger

 Just shy of two and a half miles in 60 continuous minutes at a 5% incline tonight.

You have no power over me

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore.”

Just keep swimming

 Darlin’ I’ll burn bridges just to prove I can swim! Don’t ever think I need you. 💛🔥🧡

Progress is still progress, no matter how small

 

Working It Out

Last Weigh In Weight: 278.4

Today's Weigh In Weight:  277.8

Weight Loss: ↓ 0.6

 

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 36.6

Small Steps

 

Owning my story

I have been battling to get my life back and move forward from several traumatic events in my life. My husband passed away in 2020 from covid and 14 months later due to depression, PTSD, anxiety, improper care, improper medication combinations, and an abusive relationship I found myself trapped in I had a mental break. I returned to Las Vegas in late October two weeks after being released from the hospital with the things I could fit in my car, completely broken.

I was a shell, I was barely functioning and my weight had ballooned up to 315 pounds. To date I have lost 36.6 pounds, gotten off all my "mental" medication and have become focused on me. I made the next step in this journey by joining a gym yesterday and tonight I went and walked 2 miles on the treadmill.

My goal is to continue getting my health back, love myself and have the best life I can. Bruce would want me to be happy. Thank you to all my family and friends who have never waivered and have supported me, cried with me, cheered me on, and loved me even when I didn't love myself.

Every day since that horrible morning in August 2020,  I find myself wondering, “Why did he die, and yet I’m still here?

BREAKFAST

Jimmy Dean Meat Lovers Breakfast Crumbles - 105 Calories

Land O Lakes, Salted Butter, 1 Tbsp - 100 Calories

Mission Flour Tortilla, Fajita, Super Soft - 90 Calories

1 Egg - 70 Calories

SNACK

11.5 ounces of V8 - 60 calories

Great Value Light Greek Nonfat Yogurt Vanilla - 130 Calories

Frozen Great Value Triple Berry Blend - 20 Calories

LUNCH

Large Salad - 0 Calories

1/4 cup shredded cheddar - 110 Calories

2 Tablespoons Thousand Island - 140 Calories

1 serving of croutons - 30 Calories

SNACK

DINNER

Taco Bell Burrito Supreme - 410 Calories

Avocado - 250 Calories

Diet Coke - 0 Calories

The Daily Breakdown

Calories Goal:	1800	Consumed Calories:	1594
Water Goal:	120 Ounces	Consumed Water:	120 Ounces
Exercise Goal:	5,000 Steps	Exercise Completed:	11,688

The Start of a New Journey

Today's Weigh In Weight:  278.4

BMI: 44.9 - Obesity Class III 

Beginning Weight: 315.0

Total Weight Loss: ↓ 36.6

The Daily Breakdown

Calories Goal:	1500	Consumed Calories:
Water Goal:	120 Ounces	Consumed Water:
Exercise Goal:	5,000 Steps	Exercise Completed:

I choose me.

My health is important to me.

My physical body is the only one in this life I have.

My physical ability will help to strengthen my mental ability.

I am strong.

I will prove it.

♥️

Sometimes Love Finds You

Sometimes love finds you when you least expect it when you stop looking when you stop trying and sometimes when you stop remembering what you thought love should be.

It is then a window opens and you are caught on the breeze that rushes in, swirling around you leaving you forever changed.

What you know from that day is that everything else was just pretending and all the things you felt before were nothing compared with this.

It is not perfect, nor does it expect perfection. It may not be what others would have it be but it will last through time and distance because of what it gives and does not take.

When this love comes it will slide into place like two hands that have always been together.

Steps of Loving a Narcissist

𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊 𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐.

The beginning. A period of sweet, honeymoon-like idealization. Narcissists will put you on a pedestal. They’ll make you feel a love you’ve never felt before. They’ll compliment you, flatter you, buy you gifts, and seem to give you the world. They’ll promise you forever.

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

But you won’t see it. You’ll be blind in love. They may leave clues and red flags but you’ll ignore them because you’ve never felt so good about anything. No one ever treated you this good. You’ve never felt SO important. They’ll appear to be very interested and to want to know everything about you. They’ll want to know your fears, your insecurities, your deepest secrets. You’ll feel so close to them when they share these things with you and you exchange them back. 

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚍. 

They’ll start to target your insecurities, in a way to slowly break you down and make you feel lesser than. They’ll find out what you’re most proud of and they’ll target those areas so that you have nothing. They want you to feel so little. They’ll make you feel like your positive qualities are what they hate about you - so that you’ll tuck those far away.

𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢'𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

You’ll turn into a person you don’t even recognize in order to shape yourself to fit their needs. And why? Why not just walk away when it starts going south?

𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢'𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚋𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚙𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎.

You see they don’t just turn bad one day. This is a slow process of devaluing you as a human. They’ll make you believe that the things they did to you were a direct result of what you did wrong. That if you only loved them more, if you only were a better partner, this wouldn’t happen.

𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚛.

You’ll give it everything you have. You’ll invest every ounce of yourself into making them happy until you have absolutely nothing left for yourself. No love. No self-respect. Nothing.

𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚍.

When you’re about ready to walk away, when you’ve had just enough to break, they will start hovering to regain control. They will pretend they have changed. They will promise to never hurt you again. They will spoil you with that love and attention they gave you in the beginning. They’ll start building you back up with compliments.

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚜𝚘 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎.

Psychologically speaking, they’ve now created a trauma bond. This is a real and very addictive cycle. Your brain will start to crave pleasing them because their love and approval of you becomes like a drug.

𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚝.

You’ll spend a lifetime waiting. Waiting for them to change. Waiting for the kindness to show. Waiting for the right time to end the relationship. It’s only when you stop waiting and start walking away that you begin to process and truly see how disgusting the cycle is.

𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜 𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚒𝚛.

I started taking videos at the end when I knew I was ready to leave because I knew the hoovering stage would pull me back in. Your brain teaches you to forget the things you go through because it craves praise and love so much. These videos help serve as a sick reminder of the number of years I gave to someone who used and abused me. I watch them all the time. Anytime he sends me a nice text. Anytime he sends me flowers. Anytime I feel any empathy towards him.

𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛

What some people forget is that after you leave this type of relationship, it’s still not over. It takes years before it’s really truly over. The cycle continues. They just use other forms. Social media put-downs. Slander. Hateful text messages. Anything they can do to get back under your skin. To regain control. And then back to the hoovering stage to try to win you back. And even with little to no contact and zero physical interaction - it’s a constant battle every day to remind me that their words mean nothing. Their slander means nothing. And I am stronger, fiercer, and braver than everything they ever did to me.

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊 𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐.

♥️