Sometimes you have to do what is best for you

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I moved out of the apartment my husband and I were sharing with my mother. I finally had all of her behavior that I could stand. The fights, the negativity, the hatred for my husband and for our new pet. Nothing we did could make her happy. She is in desperate need of help and is in denial. While I was standing on the porch with all the police, firemen, and paramedics going in and out of our apartment trying to determine if my mother had taken an overdose (again) I realized I could not and would not live like this anymore. I finally realized I could not do anything for her, she has to want to take responsibility and help herself.

I am still dealing with extreme anger and guilt that this had to happen. My sister who has not been in our lives for the past 4 years or so is now passing judgment on me and accusing me of being a liar and of abusing our mother for the past 4 years. She will learn and the hard way I am afraid. If anyone was abused in the past 4 years it was me. I did everything for my mother and she did nothing, was never thankful or appreciative. I sold things (my car, while paying for her car) to support us, I took out payday loans that my paycheck is now being garnished for to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. And I was abusive???

But even with all the anger, I am feeling there is still guilt that I have abandoned the woman who gave birth to me. She was never really a mother, my grandmother raised me and we saw "my mother" whenever we fit into her life. Which sadly to say was not too very often.

My husband and I have moved in with friends who happily opened their homes and hearts for us. There is no pressure, no stress, no preconceived notions. We just all do our own things and live our lives. I am grateful they have always been here and that they have been such a source of emotional support.

I am hoping over the next few weeks I can cut some of this baggage I am carrying around loose and just be. But for now, I hope everyone understands that sometimes you have to do what is best for you.

A Update on Life

So here I sit staring at this blank white page wondering what to write. I have not written anything in quite a while. It's not because nothing is going on. It's not because I don't have lots of things I could be telling you. It's because every time I sit down here to write I draw this great big blank. I guess some call it writer's block.

The last time I wrote it was snowing in Las Vegas. That was a very pleasant surprise for all that live here in the middle of the desert. It was quite treacherous but also quite beautiful. We had to cancel Christmas in Tucson because I had missed a week of work ill, So I worked Christmas, and then we had a quiet Christmas at home. New Year's Eve was quiet as we decided to spend it at home and watch the fireworks on the television.

Then came January 29th my daughter-in-law had a son they named him Aaron. I am now a grandmother. February brought Bruce's sister Janet visiting for a week. For Valentines Day my wonderful husband who I love so very much spoiled me, he hand-delivered a dozen yellow roses to me at work, he also bought me chocolate and a few other things I can't mention here ;) I love him so very much. I got Bruce and me tickets to see Bite at the Stratosphere. We had a quiet dinner at Palace Station and then went to see the show. When we got ready to leave the Valet brought us the wrong vehicle. I can't believe that the stratosphere lost our car. It was cold and they were apologetic but all I wanted to do was go home.

Last weekend I called my husband from work and asked him if he would like to go to San Diego for the weekend. I caught him off guard but he enjoyed the spontaneity and got to see a side of me he hasn't seen before. I left work early, we packed up the car, and off we went. It took about 6 hours to get there. The ocean is always so calming for me. I could walk on the beach for hours. The water was still very cold but I still walked on the edge with it lapping at my feet. Kody on the other hand was not too impressed with the cold water. We found a wonderful Mexican restaurant with very delicious food, we ate sitting out front watching the people walking and driving by. I would definitely like to go back again once the weather gets warmer.

On a personal note, I am considering having lap band surgery performed. I went to a seminar and was scheduled for some tests. I passed all the medical tests and have now been cleared for surgery. I still have to receive a psych evaluation, meet with a nutritionist and save about $2,000.00 before they will schedule the surgery. I am still doing a lot of research and am not 100% sure that this is something that will create a positive experience for me. Guess I am having second thoughts or that I am afraid of the person I could become after the surgery. Hell, I don't know maybe I really do need that psych evaluation...lol! Bruce says he will stand by me regardless of what I decide. He loves me and nothing will change that ever. Hope everyone is in good health and is having a great 2009. Until next time take care and enjoy life.

Wacky Weather

A rare snowstorm blanketed the Las Vegas Valley on Wednesday, delaying flights, causing widespread fender-benders and canceling events. As much as 8 inches of snow fell in parts of the valley. The only thing that could have made this rare event more special would have been for it to fall on Christmas.