Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sometimes you have to do what is best for you

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I moved out of the apartment my husband and I were sharing with my mother. I finally had all of her behavior that I could stand. The fights, the negativity, the hatred for my husband and for our new pet. Nothing we did could make her happy. She is in desperate need of help and is in denial. While I was standing on the porch with all the police, fireman and paramedics going in and out of our apartment trying to determine is my mother had taken an overdose (again) I realized I could not and would not live like this anymore. I finally realized I could not do anything for her, she has to want to take responsibility and help herself.

I am still dealing with extreme anger and guilt that this had to happen. My sister who has not been in our lives for the past 4 years or so is now passing judgement on me and accusing me of being a liar and of abusing our mother for the past 4 years. She will learn and the hard way I am afraid. If anyone was abused in the past 4 years it was me. I did everything for my mother and she did nothing, was never thankful or appreciative. I sold things (my car, while paying for her car) to support us, I took out payday loans that my paycheck is now being garnished for to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. And I was abusive???

But even with all the anger I am feeling there is still guilt that I have abandoned the woman who gave birth to me. She was never really a mother, my grandmother raised me and we saw "my mother" whenever we fit into her life. Which sadly to say was not to very often.

My husband and I have moved in with friends who happily opened their home and hearts for us. There is no pressure, no stress, no preconceived notions. We just all do our own things and live our lives. I am grateful they have always been here and that they have been such a source of emotional support.

I am hoping over the next few weeks I can cut some of this baggage I am carrying around loose and just be. But for now I hope everyone understands that sometimes you have to do what is best for you.