So Long 2009

It’s New Year’s Eve. Where has the year gone?

It is the end of a year and the end of a decade. I am very glad to say goodbye to 2009 it has been a rough year for myself and many others. I could go on and on about the many things that have happened this past year, but I’m going to keep it short and simple.

I am truly looking forward to 2010 as being a year of new beginnings, adventures and a healthy, happy me. To my husband who is my best friend and the love of my life I could not have made it through this year without you. To my friends may this new decade be a new beginning for us all and may we all find some organized chaos in our lives.

What is wrong with me?

I've been feeling a little out of sorts the past couple of days. I can't believe how cranky I am. I don't know if people are noticing or not but I can feel it! I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I want to be left alone!

I believe the main source of my moodiness is I am in a lot of pain. My left shoulder has been hurting again. It has been consistent for about 3 days and nights now. Nothing I take (tylenol, aleve, booze) helps it. I go to sleep in pain and I wake up in pain. Usually sleeping helps alleviate the pain, but not this week.

I did my last weigh in for this year yesterday. Nothing impressive but I am ending the year weighing less than when I started my journey in August.

Happy Christmas Eve

I am off to a Family Christmas Eve Gathering to open presents and eat way to much stuff I am not suppose to be eating!! I wish all my friends a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, magic, laughter and lots and lots of love.

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

Christmas is 4 days away, but to look around my house you would never know it. There is no tree, there are no decorations, there are no pretty packages with festive paper and curly ribbon bows.

Usually Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love decorating the tree, hanging lights on everything outside my home that does not move out of the way and sending out Christmas cards. I love seeing all the Christmas lights as I drive down the street.

But not this year. I do not feel like celebrating this year.

This has by all accounts been a very stressful year in my life. Lots of relationships ended, needed to end, had to end for me to find my sanity again. Other relationships took a step forward and in the right direction. My husband Bruce and I are now starting our lives alone away from the users and abusers. It has been hard, but we are taking it one day at a time. There are still daily struggles, but we have our faith and our love for each other to get us through.

Faith, Hope and Love... Now isn't that truly what Christmas spirit is?

Up on the roof there arose such a clatter!

No it isn't Santa making an early deliver, its just the maintenance men on the rooftop again working on the roof. This is the second morning in a row they have woke me up by 7:00am. I did not sleep well last night so I was not very happy by this development. Perfect way to start of this very BAD day.

I am still trying to get financial aid to start school next month. I went to the college on Tuesday with my income tax return and W2 for 2008 and filled out a ton of forms and paperwork. So imagine my frustration this morning when I found an email saying they needed me to come to the college and fill out a form that I had filled out on Tuesday. So I spent an hour on the phone with them trying to get that straightened out. I still have to go and take a assessment (entrance) exam before the end of this month and then pick my classes.

My eating has been crazy the past week. I am premenstrual, menopausal, cranky and nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I am bloated and I am miserable and unhappy with the way I look and feel. I look in the mirror and I see my beautiful face, eyes and hair, but then I see the rolls of my stomach, my huge ass, and the cellulite on my thighs and I am reminded of how far I have let myself go. I don't want to be trapped in my own body any longer. I must get back on track and take control of my life.

Where do I begin?

Starting Weight: 263.5

Today's Weight : 271.5

Weight Gain :  ↑ 8.0

A lot has happened since I last blogged here with all you nice people. The most major change is that my husband and I have moved from Las Vegas, Nevada to Tucson, Arizona. We had to get away from all the negativity that was in Las Vegas, from so-called friends to crazy family members. We have a wonderful family here and a great support network and people who really love and care about us and are not just looking to use us for their own selfish needs.

On the downside, the economy is no better here than it is anywhere else in the country. Neither of us has been able to find work and my husband just entered tier three of his unemployment which means we have 20 more weeks and then there is no more. I have been applying for every cook, cashier, operator, customer service job I can find and so far absolutely NOTHING.

I made a decision last week to return to school and pursue my degree in Health Information Technology. When I am done I hope to get a job working in a doctor's office environment.

Needless to say, all this is causing me a great deal of worry and stress. Nothing sends me toward food faster than stress, worry, and disappointment. So no surprise I have gained 8 pounds since my last weigh-in. So here I am again starting again on this journey with more determination than ever. I can do this, I was doing this, I just have to make the conscious decision that it is now time.