New Hair Cut and Color

My Protector

We found out December 22 that I could possibly have cancer and you vowed we would walk down this road together. Three days later God called you home. I am just writing to let you know that I received my results today and I am cancer free. I can not see you but I know you are here walking down this road with me protecting me and still taking care of me. I love and miss you my darling.

I want to be Okay

People know I’m grieving, they just don’t know what it looks like. Or how long it takes. Or that it’s actually time consuming and can’t be scheduled for convenient times like, perhaps from 6-8 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.

For one thing my brain refuses to take time off, preferring instead to whirl frantically the moment my head hits the pillow.

For another, because there are things to do. There are so many things to do. The world keeps spinning. The garbage still needs to be dragged to the curb, laundry needs to be done, I have to remember to eat and shower.

If you ask me how I am, I will tell you I am okay. Because I’m working hard to make it so but it is going to take lots and lots of time.

"There's that woman whose husband died."

I have a new title and I wear it with great sadness.

My new title seems to be "There's that woman whose husband died."

I have a name and I have feelings. My husband had a name.

It’s all happened so quickly. He is so much a part of me I can barely remember living a life without him.

I miss you

My Darling Steve,

You would have enjoyed today so much. It is 52 degrees and raining, we would have a fire going in the fireplace, and be sitting on the couch snuggling and enjoying the football games today.

Later we would enjoy a nice bowl of homemade soup and some loving conversation before getting ready for bed where we would go lay and watch some television, while listening to the rain gently tapping on the window pane. Then we would fall asleep all snuggled together under the warm soft covers. I miss you so much my love.

Bittersweet Final Gift

Those who knew Steve know that in the last three months of his life he had a major surgery and was hospitalized twice before the incident on December 24 that took his life. Steve was having a great deal of problems sleeping anytime not just at night.

Sometime in the early morning of Christmas Eve while he was not sleeping before he started coughing up blood I have found out that he went online and ordered me a gift from Bath and Body Works. I had no idea about this gift until I received a message sometime the end of December the beginning of January telling me my gift had been shipped. I also noticed he had sent it to my office address no doubt as a surprise to make me smile or brighten my day.

My gift arrived at work sometime this past week and I picked it up when I stopped in the office this past Friday. I finally got the strength to open the box today. It was a bittersweet moment. He knew me so well and he got me the exact scent I loved and apparently he had been listening all the times I told him you could only buy it during the Christmas Holiday and I never seemed to buy enough.

I love you Steve Murray, and I will treasure this last gift always.

Happy Birthday My Darling

My Darling Steve,

This morning I whispered Happy Birthday to you my love. I could not send you a card, kiss your lips, touch your hand, or give you a hug. I only hope you are looking down on us and know how very much I love and miss you. I'd give anything for you to be here with me today and forever.

Every morning I wake up and wish that this was all a dream. That I've been stuck in this nightmare that I can’t escape, and I'll wake up and find you next to me. Where you are supposed to be, where you said you would always be.

Everyone says that you will be with me for the rest of my life, in my heart, in my mind, and all around me. While most would take comfort in this thought, it just makes me mad. I miss your voice, the beat of your heart when I would lay my head against your chest. The sweet names that you would call me when you wanted to see me smile. The effortless way you could make me laugh when I was annoyed at the world.

I love you with every part of me. Our time together was not long enough, nowhere near it. I would not be who I am today without everything you did for me in our short time. I will be that woman again, but not any time soon. Right now, I need to concentrate on our love and how I am to go on in this world without you.

You always made me see the silver lining in things, and now the world is just grey.

Day Seven

Last night I spent New Year's Eve all by myself in our apartment where we were to spend our first New Year arrival as a happily married couple. I am emotionally exhausted and I needed to be alone to try to come to terms with the cold fact that you are actually gone. Ten minutes before midnight I turned on Dick Clark Rocking Eve and saw all the tourists in the streets kissing each other happily and giggling with silly glasses and party hats on their heads and I began to cry and curse at God for taking you from me.

New Years is supposed to be about new beginnings and resolutions and new goals and hopes for the future. And maybe in a few days, I will be able to see it that way. But right now, right this very minute, the only thing I can see is that a new year has started and my husband will not be part of it.