Wacky Weather

A rare snowstorm blanketed the Las Vegas Valley on Wednesday, delaying flights, causing widespread fender-benders and canceling events. As much as 8 inches of snow fell in parts of the valley. The only thing that could have made this rare event more special would have been for it to fall on Christmas.

Shame on me I’ve been neglecting the blog again

So I've been more than a little absent lately. Happy belated Thanksgiving my friends! I have so much to be thankful for this year. Not only did I have my husband home to celebrate the holiday with me, we also got to spend it with awesome friends (Jenn and Gary) who prepared a very delicious meal and were the most gracious of hosts.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the first of December! Where has the year gone!?! Feels like I just dressed up for a Halloween party and now sleigh bells are ringing. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. We have up our tree, a wreath, and various Christmas decorations. I say every year I am going to start early and have Christmas shopping done by now.

Well, guess what I have bought a total of ONE gift so far. His name is Kody.

Kodiak (Kody) is a full-blooded mini pinscher that I bought my husband Bruce for Christmas. He was missing his dog so much since he had to give him a way to move and I got tired of seeing his sad face looking at the doggies on the animal shelter page. Needless to say, he was very surprised when I brought him home. Kody has fit right in and he and the cats are getting along shockingly well to every one surprise.

So 25 Shopping Days left till Christmas guess I better get busy huh?

HaPpY hAlLoWeEn FrOm VeGaS

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and it's even better when it falls on a weekend. I hope you all had a lovely evening of festivities and aren't suffering too much today. I personally look forward to Halloween every year. It's the one day that I have an excuse to dress up and be someone that isn't "me.

I have not been feeling great lately and yesterday was no exception. I left work early sick and came home and slept several hours then got up and Bruce suggested going out if I was feeling up to it. I got up, showered and we went out to dinner and down to Fremont Street Experience and then drove up the strip and stopped at the Bellagio long enough to walk (stumble) through the atrium and see the water show.

My darling hubby is nursing a major hangover today and I am just trying to get through the day and accomplish some housework and laundry. Hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend and don't forget to turn back your clocks one hour tonight.

Sometimes Love Finds You

Sometimes love finds you when you least expect it when you stop looking when you stop trying and sometimes when you stop remembering what you thought love should be.

It is then a window opens and you are caught on the breeze that rushes in, swirling around you leaving you forever changed.

What you know from that day is that everything else was just pretending and all the things you felt before were nothing compared with this.

It is not perfect, nor does it expect perfection. It may not be what others would have it be but it will last through time and distance because of what it gives and does not take.

When this love comes it will slide into place like two hands that have always been together.

I would like to buy a CLUE please. . .

Well here it is almost the end of another week, and here I sit with all this bottled up animosity toward my employer. I have spent the past two days updating my resume, searching the want ads, and speaking with a couple of attorneys. I also spent a lot of time wondering how many times do you continue going back to a company where you never seem to be happy and trying to do your very best before you realize that no matter how hard you work or how dedicated you are the scenario never changes.

There is a co-worker at my job that I feel is a complete waste of space, she never pulls her weight, yet there she is everyday flying under the radar getting her head patted while I am busting my ass and getting lectured to "work harder" and "do more". I will not pretend to understand why this person is still employed with our company, but if this is the person and image that the company wants representing them as they move forward then more power (and my sympathy) to them. The worst thing about all of this is I am not the only person who sees this happening but anytime I attempt to bring it up my concerns are dismissed and I am told to spend more time "worrying about me and my duties".

I am really not dealing well with my pent-up anger toward this person any longer. I have tried to make nice and be friendly and just not let her get to me, but when she goes out of her way to attempt to get me in trouble that is the final straw. I hope for both our sakes that she just stays away from me while I begin the journey of trying to find another job where I may possibly be appreciated for all the hard work and dedication that I can bring to any company.

On the home front, mother is doing a lot better. She had a scare a few weeks ago, we thought she was having a stroke, turned out she was going through drug withdrawal. It appears you can't stop taking the quantity of pain medication she was taking cold turkey, you have to slowly wean yourself off of them. She is now off all her pain medication and is doing very well with the pain she is experiencing. I still wonder about her mental capacity at this point, hopefully, it will improve as the drugs continue working their way out of her system. I doubt she ever works again, but she definitely needs to take up a hobby or something and stop laying around in the bed all day.

Other wonderful news, my husband will be moving in with me at the end of September. He is getting things tied up in Pennsylvania and we are both looking forward to starting our life "together" as an old married couple. I can hardly wait!

Changes are afoot in my future, hopefully, I will be happy with the new turn in my life. One small step in a direction that will lead me somewhere, not sure where yet, but somewhere good I hope.

Happy, Sad, Confused, Jealous

You could apply all or some of those too many parts of my life right now. Once again, I have no idea if I have the right to feel any of them. I mean, some I brought on myself. But still, some I never asked for and some I really should NOT FEEL.

My life is, to put it mildly complicated. This blog is my sanctuary, my special place. When I'm down, I write here. When I'm happy, I write here. When I'm stressed, I write here. Sometimes I cannot find my voice, and I cannot post. These days are the worst as I walk around with the weight of the world upon my shoulders. I have lots on my mind and lots of things that need to be said but I can make no sense of any of the clutter running around my brain today.

I have learned something recently regarding this situation. I have no control. Nothing I can do, say, think or dream of will change a damn thing. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I thought I had everything figured out. Now I know that you can't have anything totally planned or even figured out, something is always going to get thrown into the mix to mess things up. I want to have a normal life, but what is normal?

Love you with all my heart

I have had a bad week in general. It has been hot and though I normally enjoy a good rain shower they are not helping they are just making things hot, humid, and sticky. My hormones are running rampant and the most minor nuisances have really been getting to me. Love songs have me in tears this week and I have really been missing Bruce. Its amazing how one person can enter your world and change your life so dramatically.

My marriage is a great achievement. Bruce and I both thought we would grow old alone and a chance meeting in an online gaming community changed our lives forever. I must admit though that having a long distance relationship when you are dating is very different from a long distance relationship when you are married. Bruce comes to visit about every 2 months and every time we have to part it is more painful than the time before and my heart just breaks.

We try to look at our separation as a learning and growth experience. We get frustrated, we get lonely, but we also share many happy joyful experiences which help us grow as a couple. Bruce is my best friend I can't imagine a day in my life without him. He hopes to move here in the early part of 2009. That is really not a long time but it sure seems like it when you wake up alone every morning wanting nothing more to be in the arms of the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

Home life is about the same. I am stressed and not sleeping well which I am sure adds to the mood I have been in this week. The doctors are not offering much hope in anything long term that will help ease my mothers pain. The new doctor is talking about implanting a bionic chip in her that she can control with a remote control. Basically when she is in pain she pushes a button and it send an electric current to the nerves to block the pain. They don't guarantee that this will work and there is a possible three to four thousand dollar co-pay which we just don't have. So for now mom spends most days heavily medicated and in the bed. I don't believe she will ever return to work. So for now I am working my ass off and trying to keep up with the household fiances and chores that pile up through out the work week.

I am now off to bed to toss and turn for a couple of hours before I doze off and awake an hour or so later with my mind going non stop. I will roll over and stare at the large red numbers on the clock practically waiting for morning to arrive.

Struggle

Some days I find myself frustrated, filled with words I want to say and yet as I write them, I choke on those very words. Perhaps they are not meant to be seen.

Mrs Bruce

Yes folks its true. . . we got married! It's hard to find words to describe something as amazing as what the past three days was like for me. Our story is unique and at the same time exactly the same as every love story that's ever been. We have been through a lot in a very short time and it has only made our love grow stronger.

We started our day in line downtown at the Marriage License Bureau. To our surprise we actually got in and out very quickly. We then walked down the street a couple of blocks to the "Lily of the Valley Wedding Chapel" where Pastor Emma Mayberry pronounced us husband and wife approximately 45 minutes later.

We then went home and showered and got changed and cleaned up for our Wedding Night Dinner. A friend who works at Trevis at Caesars Palace gave us a free meal as a wedding gift. We arrived and were seated next to the Fountain of the Gods and had the most wonderful meal complete with an awesome dessert called Banana Veneziana. If you ever find yourself at Ceasars Palace I highly recommend you eat at this wonderful restaurant.

We still have obstacles in front of us to conquer. The main one being he will still be living in Pennsylvania for at least another year before he can relocate to Las Vegas permanently. It will be a long journey but we will make it through.

Life or Lack there of it

Well April is over and I say good ridance. It was a extremely bad month for me personally. I fell off the diet wagon hard and gained back 9 pounds. I am still struggling everyday to get a grip on my eating again. All those bad habits that happen when I am stressed have reared their ugly head. McDonalds, Chips and Dip, Pepsi, it just makes me want to scream!! I was doing so good. Wish me luck in conquering this again. I am going to need all the support and encouragement I can get!

I got reminded the other day that I am "still" fat. My wonderful fiance sent me a very nice present for my birthday. I tried it on and it is no where near fitting me. *tears*. So it is hanging where I can look at it everyday. I have a mission and a goal now so I think that will probably help this battle. I hope to be into it by the time he gets here in July. I have a feeling these are going to be the longest 2 months of my life.

Mom is about the same, her myelogram has been resheduled for this Thursday I will let you all know how it goes. She did finally get her disability approved so we may actually be able to pay the bills next month without me having to go sell my body on a street corner...

Then again it wouldn't be worth much so that was a bad idea... lol!

Hope you are all having a better life than me right now.

I forgot to mention I am a wanted felon in 4 states

So what happens when you find out a previous co-worker was featured on "America's Most Wanted"? You sit with your mouth hanging open going NO WAY! LOL! We were sitting at work on Monday and received a call that a gentleman that had been briefly employed with us was featured on "America's Most Wanted" the past Saturday night and 6 Federal Marshalls had shown up at another previous employees residence looking for him. He wasn't there, but the marshalls did find and capture him at a local casino. Boy I guess you never know do you. I would have never pegged this man as a criminal.

On the home front I have some very wonderful news. Bruce has decided to move to Las Vegas and plans on making the move in early July. He has to get all the loose ends tied up in Pennsylvania and he will be on his way. Once he gets here and we get settled we are going to start planning our wedding. He is the most amazing, wonderful man and I have never felt so loved. He was truly sent to save me and I look forward to spending the rest of my life making him miserable *wink* .

Mom's surgery has not made any progress, we went this morning to have her myelogram performed. We sit at the facility for an hour and a half before a nurse came out and told us the test had to be rescheduled because the doctors had ordered the wrong blood work. So here I am with my doped up mother who has taken all this medication to have this procedure and they can't perform it! I don't know who was more pissed me or her. So we went and had the proper blood work done and now have to wait for them to reschedule the procedure.

I am holding up pretty good through all this, my blood pressure has been up and down and I am having all kinds of problems sleeping at night mostly because mom is up and down wandering the halls and I have to watch her closely because with all the pain meds she is on she is having alot of memory problems, balance issues, and such. Hopefully this will all be over very soon.

Things Continue To Just Get Better

Took mom to her new doctor Friday. He is a very nice gentleman, unlike the last jerk she was seeing. He looked at all my mothers mri records and medical records from her primary care doctor and said it is very obvious by my mother’s mri that her previous back fusion is crumbling and she must have a back fusion immediately or there is a chance she will not be able to walk. We have to schedule another test where they inject dye into her back to see where all the damage is and then we will be getting the surgery scheduled. This is going to be a 8-10 month process at best.

I am really stressing about this because I don’t like leaving mother alone while I work since she has already fell once, but I have to work since I am the only one bringing home an income. Her so called boyfriend is a jerk, and my sister is a jerk and neither offer any assistance in this. I have a couple of friends who have offered to lend me a hand while I am working and I have been making friends with a woman at work who has offered to give me a hand with my mother once she gets home from surgery.

Bruce is still my shoulder to cry on and my source of encouragement and support. I don’t know what I would do without him right now.

I am off to bed now and hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow and this will all be a very bad dream. . .

Balance

They say that adversity can be a valuable teacher, allowing us to emerge from our pain stronger than before. I am sure that this is the case but right now it just doesn't feel like it. I am tired, really tired. I have been unable to sleep at night due to stress, worry, and of course sinuses from this wonderful pollen shower that we are under right now. I have not seen pollen this bad in a very long time.

There have been major changes at my job, the old manager is gone the new manager has been put into place and she is doing an awesome job. Things are finally moving forward and things are getting done. I got promoted to swing shift supervisor so I had to adjust my body to a new sleep schedule, which has been difficult at best.

My mother is off work again and once again attempting to have back surgery the vertebrae that was pinching the nerve has shifted and she has no other option this time if she wants to be able to feel her legs and feet. She is heavily medicated, nonfunctional, and thinks ice cream and Reese's cups are the only food that exists. Due to her condition, I am again the sole money maker and I have to worry about that on a daily basis.

Bruce is having a pretty bad time right now also, so my trip has been placed on hold until there is a little more certainty in his life. He has some very hard important decisions to make, and I will be here to support him every step of the way. I love him with every fiber of my being.

I must find a balance somewhere

or an alternating rhythm

between these two extremes:

A swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion

Between retreat and return.

In my periods of retreat

Perhaps I can learn something to carry back into my worldly life.

Deja Vu

This is obviously just not my month. I got home last night from work around 11:15pm and flopped down on the couch with my remote to watch my recording of Days of our Lives. Much to my surprise as I am sure you have guessed by now MY CABLE IS OFF AGAIN! Can we say BEYOND PISSED?!?!?! I just paid you over $200.00 two weeks ago and you have yet again mistakenly disconnected my service?!?!?! So, of course, I pick up the phone and I call the number knowing that they are closed until 7am.

Well I am still beyond pissed so I call tech support they are open 24/7. I feel so sorry for this poor kid that answered my call. I said can you tell me if there is an outage in my area. He checks and comes back and says "No Ma'am your service has been disconnected." To which I reply "Can you tell me why?" He studies my account and say "No ma'am I can not you are not behind in your payments it must have been a computer clitch." Of course he can't turn my cable back on because he is "Just Tech Support".

Well I am about ready to "Just take my money elsewhere!!"

Direct TV is starting to look REALLY good right now!!

This is a rant. Continue at your own risk

I awoke this morning around 3am and had no cable or internet to my surprise since I knew I paid the bill last (02/23) Monday. So I get on the phone to call them and get the recording that "customer service will not be available until 7am". So you can mistakenly turn my cable off at 3am, but there is no one to turn it back on?? WTF!! Obviously someone is there or my cable and internet would not be OFF!!

Well 7am arrives and I call the cable company and am placed on hold for 10-15 minutes and finally this woman answers who sounds like someone pissed in her cornflakes this morning. This is not a good thing since I am already in a very foul mood. She pulls up my account and informs me my payment was returned for INSUFFICENT FUNDS, and now to get my service restored I have to pay last month and this months bill. This would be ok except for the fact that I know I have well over $100.00 more in my account than what has been paid out. I tell her this can't be possible there is money in my bank for this payment. She rudely informs me I need to take it up with my bank and hangs up in my face.

I go to the bank I do a balance check, yep just as I said there is plenty of money in my account. I call customer service back get a different lady who is alot nicer than the first one but she can't offer anymore information except my payment was returned for INSUFFICIENT FUNDS and that the department I need to speak with will be in at 8am to get further information. Fine I take the number and I steam a little longer waiting for 8am.

At 8am I call the number given to me by the second lady and get now my third person to talk to regarding this. I sound like a broken record "Hi my cable and internet has been disconnected, I paid my bill last week, I don't understand, there must be an error because there is money in my account..yada yada yada.." It is at this time I am informed that my payment was returned yesterday due to "Not a valid Account"! Ok this is alot different than insufficent funds in my book. The person who took my payment wrote a number down wrong and of course the payment was returned. Gave her the correct number, the payment has been posted (I checked) and all is right in my world again.

But don't you think it would have been nice for someone to call and tell me about this problem BEFORE they turned off my service????

Its my Friday, Its my Friday, Finally!!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this important announcement.

It's my Friday!!!! Wooooo Hooooo!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program...

What a Long Week

I am happy to report that Bruce is finally feeling better. He has been sick all week with the flu. His doctor has him on tons of medication and bed rest until Monday though just to make sure he is back at 100%.

It has been a very long week for me. I am working 12 nights in a row and I am currently on night 9, only 3 more to go. I am getting pretty worn down, but it will be worth it when I get my paycheck. The extra money is going to be put toward the purchase of my plane ticket to go to Pennsylvania in June and visit my beloved.

I am very excited to be going to see him this visit. I do hate flying due to my medical condition, but I plan on getting nonstop tickets both ways so I don’t have to go up and down and up and down. I think I can handle one time up and one time down each direction. We will soon find out anyhow.

I look forward to meeting his daughter Sierra and seeing where he lives and works. I am also looking forward to the trip to Niagra Falls that he is planning for us. I am sure he will have many more surprises in store for me when I arrive. I have never been further north than Virginia on the east coast so this is all new and exciting for me.

Another Day in Paradise

I got off work this morning very excited that it was my "weekend". I came home did dishes, laundry, rearranged my bedroom, took a shower and piled into bed to watch all the shows I had recorded on the dvr. I finally laid down to go to sleep aroud 11:45am. About an hour later the phone was ringing and in my half awake half asleep state I was just looking for the annoying noise to make it stop. On the other end of the phone was my job asking me to work tonight. The lady who works the two nights I am off can no longer work graveyard, so guess who has a 7 day work week. I need the money so I am not complaining....much lol.

My attempt to get back on the diet wagon has been really HARD this week. I can't find anything I want to eat healthy or non healthy. Food just doesn't taste good to me right now. I think lack of sleep and depression are messing with my taste buds.

Bruce is feeling somewhat better. He still refuses to go to the doctor, but he is a grown man and is capable of making that decision. I just hope he doesn't have whatever I had.

Well, that is about it for now just another day in paradise.

True Companion

What is being in love all about? Is it about caring or being cared for? Is it about loving or being loved? Putting the other person's happiness before your own or being happy together. I am not sure of the answers to these questions, but I do know that I have now found true, real, honest love with the most wonderful man that I have ever had the honor of knowing. Look up gentleman in the dictionary and you will find a photo of him. I had given up on love before him, I was not going through the pain and rejection yet again. I didn't realize how much a chance meeting in a pogo game room in August would change my life forever. Now I do believe in fate and miracles, what are the chances that we would have found each other any other way?

He came for his second visit February 12-20 and we had the most amazing, wonderful time. We went to many places, did many exciting wonderful things and just had a great time in general. We went to the Bellagio to the atrium which was decorated for Chinese New Years, we went to The Venitan and checked out the gondola rides and we went to New York, New York so he could ride the roller coaster. One of our out of town adventures took us to Bonnie Springs an old western town in Red Rock Canyon. We also adventured to Primm, Nevada to Buffalo Bills so he could ride the roller coaster, that we found out was closed once we got there.

Valentines Day was the most amazing day. Bruce gave me the most beautiful emerald and diamond earring and a crystal bear in a little pink heart shaped box. We had the most romantic dinner and he looked so incredibly handsome. I would tell you about the rest of our evening but I am afraid I would be banned forever so you will have to use your imagination {wink}, but let just say it was earth moving. I honestly can say that I have now found my true companion.

And so the wait for June begins when I will be going to visit him.

To My Valentine

I had vowed not to love again because I loved too much because I loved freely and gave freely to those who did not return that love. I had closed my heart to love, to sadness and sorrow to joy and laughter. I stayed, locked away in my safe place, unknowing, unfeeling unmoved by the beauty of the world that passed me by.

I walked alive but unseeing through life with a heart no longer beating. Then one day I found myself loving again, this time knowing what love should be. This love brings a oneness that has made me whole. It is a mysterious mystical love and I have resigned myself to the knowledge that few will understand it.

I will never stop listening to the voice of this love, but will walk through the mysteries to find it and embrace it with all that I have. There is joy and sadness with this love and there is comfort and caring It brings a rapture that fills my spirit and sings in my soul echoed by the sound of my beating heart.

My Darling Bruce you are my soulmate, my sweetheart, you are my dream come true, from now until the end of time I give my heart and soul to you. Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart.

Working for the Weekend

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I have gone back to work at my old office. I will be working graveyard with Monday and Tuesday nights off. I am responsible for the switchboard and the cleaning of the office. I am a night owl, I don't have to deal with other humans and it is mostly quiet at night so I have no complaints!

Bruce has purchased a plane ticket and will be here February 12-21! I am so excited that we will be spending the holiday for lovers together. Hell, I am just excited that I am going to be able to snuggle in his arms and look into his eyes. I have missed him so much. The holidays were terribly hard without him and me being so sick didn't help much either. I have lots planned while he is here, so many places and things I want to show him.

Have a good weekend everyone. I will be busy for most of it. Working at night and getting some well past due spring cleaning done around here during the day. Bruce would probably not want to use a shovel to get in the front door when he arrives.

No Resolutions

The new year is upon us. Every year we all do the same thing, we come up with new years resolutions and try to stick to them. I'm not big on resolutions. To me, they are only meant to be broken or forgotten about by the second week of January. However, I have come up with a few goals that I would like to achieve over the course of this next year.

1) Spend a lot more quality time with the man who holds my heart. Bruce, I love you so very much and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

2) Spend more quality time with my beautiful daughter. Jennifer, I am so very proud of the strong, independent, young woman you have become.

3) Find a job and work really hard to make a difference.

4) Get enrolled in the 23-week course I want to take so I can start taking control of my life, finances, and security.

5) Get my driver's license (again).

6) Continue attempting to live a healthy lifestyle and continue the weight loss I started in 2007. In 2007 I lost 50 pounds, my starting weight was 296. My current weight is 246. Hopefully, add exercise to my life.

Quote for the New Year: "If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present seems"