My Dearest Steve,
It’s almost been a week since you left me. I know you didn’t give up the fight, your body gave up. Your passing was so sudden and traumatic. I wasn’t ready and it already seems like an eternity. I am not sure what to do next we had so many dreams and plans. We can never again be what we were. Our fairy tale is done, ended tragically and much too soon. My life will never be the same and I try every day to be strong, but it is so hard.
I know you would be mad at me if you thought I wasted the time I have left being unhappy or sad. I’m trying really hard to make sense out of a situation that makes no sense. Why find the love of your lifetime that you’ve always dreamed of, only to have it ripped away? I won’t be bitter but try to honor you my love with a life worth living. You showed me so much of life in our three short years together.
I will forever remember all the ways you made my life so special and safe. I feel afraid at night to be alone so I stay up late until I pass out from exhaustion. I hope one day I will be able to lie down and rest without fear of the unknown. My love, my protector, my rock, my everything I pray to God that you are at peace and at rest with your loved ones who left before. I pray you know how much I love you and will always love. You forever live in my heart and in my soul. Until we meet again, it is never goodbye, just later.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Christmas Mourning
My husband died suddenly at 1454 on Christmas Day. We found out the previous day in the emergency room, after my husband had awaken at 6:00 am Christmas Eve coughing up blood, that he had a growth in his right lung. It was growing near the entrance of his trachea and it was wrapped around his right bronchus, right pulmonary artery, left pulmonary vein and was protruding into the entrance of his left atrium.
The pulmonologist that discovered the growth via CT scan and a bronchoscopy stated it was non operable, the specialist cardiovascular surgeon called in stated it was inoperable also. We were told that the only option that would be available was to seek out possible radiation, cyber knife or chemotherapy to shrink it and then it may be possible to perform surgery to remove it.
Steve was admitted against much opposition and grumbling, he did not want to spend Christmas in the hospital he wanted to go home and then go see his oncologist for the referral to the radiologist on Monday. The hospital was insistent on admitting him for observation and to give him medication for his blood pressure and heart rate. He was placed in room 8 on the Cardiac Care Unit. I consulted with his oncologist office and arranged for his oncologist's partner to come in the following morning and check blood work, scans, and progress. He said if everything was stable he would let Steve come home for Christmas and to be at his office first thing Monday morning. By this time it was getting late and Steve wanted me to go home and get some sleep, the CCU did not allow overnight visitors and he insisted I was not sleeping in the waiting room. I came home, showered, and tossed and turned all night.
I was up dressed and ready to be at the hospital the following morning at 9:00 am when visiting hours started. When I arrived Steve was sitting in a chair in his room complaining about the breakfast. I pulled a Pepsi from my purse and he smiled and then began talking about going home. He didn't get any sleep the prior night he wanted a shower and then to get some sleep. He said we would celebrate and have our Christmas Dinner the following day.
Around 11:00 am the physician on call for his oncologist group stopped by and checked all the blood work and the scans. He stated he would let Steve go home after he had a transfusion of two units of blood. Again Steve was not happy but agreed to stay and have the two units of blood just to make me feel better. We were told each unit was going to take approximately 3 hours to complete.
We were sitting in his room, him in the bed receiving his first unit and me in a chair pulled up next to his bed watching some show on the Cooking Channel about hamburgers. A worker brought in a lunch plate, and then asked if I would like something to eat, to which I replied sure. We were fed a Christmas meal of prime rib, baked potato, green beans, and cheese cake. As far as hospital food goes it wasn't that bad we ate and talked about our plans for the following day and weekend, while watching some more television.
The lady returned to pick up the trays, and the nurse came in and gave Steve some medication for his blood pressure and his heart rate via his IV line. She then checked on the first unit of blood which was almost complete. She stated she would be back in about 20 minutes to start his next unit. Steve and I are holding hands and chatting about cooking our first Christmas dinner together as a married couple in our new apartment the following day. Steve is restless and states he is ready to go home now that this is just a waste of time he is fine.
At that moment Steve leaned forward and reached for the emesis (barf) bag that was on his bed tray. All the sudden he coughs and blood starts pouring out of his mouth and nose. I jump up trying to help him and began screaming "We need some help in here!!" in the back of my mind I knew this was worse than the previous day. The bag filled quickly, and then the second and when the nurse entered the room, she started screaming for help as she started the suction machine. I am in shock but being strong for Steve. I am standing there holding this bag and a soaked white towel, my hands and arms are covered in his blood, too much blood, I know but I do not accept it.
Other people begin running into the room and a nurse grabs me and starts pulling me out of the room. I want to leave, but I fight her to stay, I start yelling "I love you, I love you, I love you" as I am physically taken from the room. I am led to a sink and the nurse starts helping me wash the blood off, things are moving in slow motion, I hear a code blue called for CCU8 over the intercom. I start praying to God, please don't take him, we are not done yet, I will do anything just please don't take him from me. Oh God this can't really be happening, we were just talking, laughing and planning our weekend.
After what had seemed like an eternity the doctor came out of the room "I'm sorry your husband didn’t make it there was nothing more we could do.” He walked off and a charge nurse ordered two other nurses to go "Clean up her husband so she can see him.” People surrounded me asking if they could call someone for me. Someone gave me a sheet of paper with funeral home names and numbers and told me that I needed to call and make arrangement for my husband, because the hospital didn’t have a morgue they could move him too. I am in shock, crying, refusing to believe he is gone and everything is moving very, very slowly.
One of the nurses came out of the room and said she would take me to see my husband when I was ready. When I entered the room he was laying in his bed with a white sheet pulled up to his shoulders. His eyes were closed like he was sleeping and would wake up any moment, his white hair had been combed back and I could still see blood in it that they were unable to completely clean out. I touched his still warm face and placed my head on his chest where there was no heartbeat. I reached for his hand that could not close its fingers around mine. I told him that I was scared and I was not ready. I told him I loved him more than anything else in the world. I don't know how to move forward from this and without you. This is not how our great love story was suppose to end.
All the sudden I felt sick, I ran out of the room into the bathroom where I vomited and vomited some more. I stared in the mirror not feeling like this was real. I slowly cleaned myself up and return to the nurse station to call my mother, my sister, my good friend Jennifer and the funeral home to make arrangements to come pick up my husband’s body.
I returned to his room expecting him to be sitting up waiting for me that it had all been a bad dream. He was as I had previously left him. I walked around to the other side of the bed and removed his wedding band from his finger and placed it on mine. I sat in a chair, with my head lying on his hand and cried and cried some more, ugly crying, loud, mournful crying. Sometime during this time Jennifer arrived, then my mother.
Jennifer took over handling paperwork and filling out information for the funeral home people who had arrived. A preacher arrived and prayed for us and for Steve. The funeral home people were ready for him. I was told I should go home and rest there would be lots of things for me to do the next several days and several decisions I would have to make.
Steve fought every day of his adult life to live. He was diagnosed with cancer at a young age, started in his thyroid and moved to his lungs. Steve did not give up his body did. I do not regret one day that I had with my husband. Even knowing how he would die, how alone and devastated I would feel, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, just for the chance to be with him for the time we were allowed.
Rest in peace my Cowboy I will see you again one day. It isn't goodbye just later.
The pulmonologist that discovered the growth via CT scan and a bronchoscopy stated it was non operable, the specialist cardiovascular surgeon called in stated it was inoperable also. We were told that the only option that would be available was to seek out possible radiation, cyber knife or chemotherapy to shrink it and then it may be possible to perform surgery to remove it.
Steve was admitted against much opposition and grumbling, he did not want to spend Christmas in the hospital he wanted to go home and then go see his oncologist for the referral to the radiologist on Monday. The hospital was insistent on admitting him for observation and to give him medication for his blood pressure and heart rate. He was placed in room 8 on the Cardiac Care Unit. I consulted with his oncologist office and arranged for his oncologist's partner to come in the following morning and check blood work, scans, and progress. He said if everything was stable he would let Steve come home for Christmas and to be at his office first thing Monday morning. By this time it was getting late and Steve wanted me to go home and get some sleep, the CCU did not allow overnight visitors and he insisted I was not sleeping in the waiting room. I came home, showered, and tossed and turned all night.
I was up dressed and ready to be at the hospital the following morning at 9:00 am when visiting hours started. When I arrived Steve was sitting in a chair in his room complaining about the breakfast. I pulled a Pepsi from my purse and he smiled and then began talking about going home. He didn't get any sleep the prior night he wanted a shower and then to get some sleep. He said we would celebrate and have our Christmas Dinner the following day.
Around 11:00 am the physician on call for his oncologist group stopped by and checked all the blood work and the scans. He stated he would let Steve go home after he had a transfusion of two units of blood. Again Steve was not happy but agreed to stay and have the two units of blood just to make me feel better. We were told each unit was going to take approximately 3 hours to complete.
We were sitting in his room, him in the bed receiving his first unit and me in a chair pulled up next to his bed watching some show on the Cooking Channel about hamburgers. A worker brought in a lunch plate, and then asked if I would like something to eat, to which I replied sure. We were fed a Christmas meal of prime rib, baked potato, green beans, and cheese cake. As far as hospital food goes it wasn't that bad we ate and talked about our plans for the following day and weekend, while watching some more television.
The lady returned to pick up the trays, and the nurse came in and gave Steve some medication for his blood pressure and his heart rate via his IV line. She then checked on the first unit of blood which was almost complete. She stated she would be back in about 20 minutes to start his next unit. Steve and I are holding hands and chatting about cooking our first Christmas dinner together as a married couple in our new apartment the following day. Steve is restless and states he is ready to go home now that this is just a waste of time he is fine.
At that moment Steve leaned forward and reached for the emesis (barf) bag that was on his bed tray. All the sudden he coughs and blood starts pouring out of his mouth and nose. I jump up trying to help him and began screaming "We need some help in here!!" in the back of my mind I knew this was worse than the previous day. The bag filled quickly, and then the second and when the nurse entered the room, she started screaming for help as she started the suction machine. I am in shock but being strong for Steve. I am standing there holding this bag and a soaked white towel, my hands and arms are covered in his blood, too much blood, I know but I do not accept it.
Other people begin running into the room and a nurse grabs me and starts pulling me out of the room. I want to leave, but I fight her to stay, I start yelling "I love you, I love you, I love you" as I am physically taken from the room. I am led to a sink and the nurse starts helping me wash the blood off, things are moving in slow motion, I hear a code blue called for CCU8 over the intercom. I start praying to God, please don't take him, we are not done yet, I will do anything just please don't take him from me. Oh God this can't really be happening, we were just talking, laughing and planning our weekend.
After what had seemed like an eternity the doctor came out of the room "I'm sorry your husband didn’t make it there was nothing more we could do.” He walked off and a charge nurse ordered two other nurses to go "Clean up her husband so she can see him.” People surrounded me asking if they could call someone for me. Someone gave me a sheet of paper with funeral home names and numbers and told me that I needed to call and make arrangement for my husband, because the hospital didn’t have a morgue they could move him too. I am in shock, crying, refusing to believe he is gone and everything is moving very, very slowly.
One of the nurses came out of the room and said she would take me to see my husband when I was ready. When I entered the room he was laying in his bed with a white sheet pulled up to his shoulders. His eyes were closed like he was sleeping and would wake up any moment, his white hair had been combed back and I could still see blood in it that they were unable to completely clean out. I touched his still warm face and placed my head on his chest where there was no heartbeat. I reached for his hand that could not close its fingers around mine. I told him that I was scared and I was not ready. I told him I loved him more than anything else in the world. I don't know how to move forward from this and without you. This is not how our great love story was suppose to end.
All the sudden I felt sick, I ran out of the room into the bathroom where I vomited and vomited some more. I stared in the mirror not feeling like this was real. I slowly cleaned myself up and return to the nurse station to call my mother, my sister, my good friend Jennifer and the funeral home to make arrangements to come pick up my husband’s body.
I returned to his room expecting him to be sitting up waiting for me that it had all been a bad dream. He was as I had previously left him. I walked around to the other side of the bed and removed his wedding band from his finger and placed it on mine. I sat in a chair, with my head lying on his hand and cried and cried some more, ugly crying, loud, mournful crying. Sometime during this time Jennifer arrived, then my mother.
Jennifer took over handling paperwork and filling out information for the funeral home people who had arrived. A preacher arrived and prayed for us and for Steve. The funeral home people were ready for him. I was told I should go home and rest there would be lots of things for me to do the next several days and several decisions I would have to make.
Steve fought every day of his adult life to live. He was diagnosed with cancer at a young age, started in his thyroid and moved to his lungs. Steve did not give up his body did. I do not regret one day that I had with my husband. Even knowing how he would die, how alone and devastated I would feel, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, just for the chance to be with him for the time we were allowed.
Rest in peace my Cowboy I will see you again one day. It isn't goodbye just later.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Our First Place Together.
Today is moving day, we are so excited to be moving into our own place. Of course it is raining, typical moving day occurrence. I am off to work and Steve will be supervising the movers, and I threatened his life if they get mud on my new beige carpet.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
We bought a car
This is not how my sick ass invisioned spending my night but I guess I should be grateful. Home finally! It was to dark to take car pictures tonight but I will post some tomorrow. I don't understand how it can possibly take three hours to do paperwork but never the less Steve and I have now made our first major purchase as a married couple and things are looking brighter than ever!
Monday, October 20, 2014
Jonathan Stephen
Jonathan Stephen was born October 19, 2014 at 12:08 am. 7 lbs 7 oz. 20 1/2 inches long.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Surgery Success
I brought Steve home today around 11:00am, He has several followup appointments in the next few weeks, and his surgeon says he beat all odds that there was no reason he should have not had a stroke or a heart attack. He had a 100% blockage in his left carotid artery that was almost 4 inches in length. There was no blood flow on the left side of his neck. We are very lucky and very blessed.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Shortest Divorce in History
Today in the mail I finally got my divorce papers. I have been attempting to get divorced for almost a year. Every time I would file they would send the papers back asking me to fix something. For almost a year I was trying to file Forma Pauperis (waive fees) but the moment I pay them they grant my divorce go figure.
I opened the letter expecting another please correct this and return blah, blah, blah, letter but instead it said I was divorced as of September 10, 2015. I looked at Steve, held up the letter and said you wanna get married, to which he replied sure. So what started out as a joke ended as a quickie marriage. lol
With both showered and got dressed and hopped into the car and went to Walmart and picked out matching silver wedding bands. The next stop was Clark County Marriage License Bureau. We stood in line about 30 minutes and signed a few papers. We then walked a few steps to Chapelle De L'Amour Las Vegas Wedding Chapel and became man and wife. I have never been so happy!
Finally after a year of trying we are finally husband and wife.
I opened the letter expecting another please correct this and return blah, blah, blah, letter but instead it said I was divorced as of September 10, 2015. I looked at Steve, held up the letter and said you wanna get married, to which he replied sure. So what started out as a joke ended as a quickie marriage. lol
With both showered and got dressed and hopped into the car and went to Walmart and picked out matching silver wedding bands. The next stop was Clark County Marriage License Bureau. We stood in line about 30 minutes and signed a few papers. We then walked a few steps to Chapelle De L'Amour Las Vegas Wedding Chapel and became man and wife. I have never been so happy!
Finally after a year of trying we are finally husband and wife.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 35
Starting Weight: 276.6
Last Weigh In Weight: 273.2
Today's Weigh In Weight: 272.6
This Week's Weight Loss: ↓ 0.6
BMI: 44.0 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 4.0 lbs
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Revisiting New Year Goals
I am truly looking forward to 2014 as being a year of new beginnings, adventures and a healthy, happy me. I have my goals in place and I look forward to watching them unfold! I might add more things to the list as the year progresses, but I definitely want to be able to check off all of the below by the end of 2014.
Finance:
1. Pay off all three credit cards.
3. By end of the year have all utility bills on automatic bill pay.
5.Increase my 401k contribution to 5% ~ Completed. 1/5/2014
6.Buy stock and make a profit. ~ Completed. 3/5/2014
7. Set aside $50.00 each paycheck into the “Home Sweet Home” savings account. ~ Not Completed
8. Participate in the 52 Week Challenge and deposit into the “Rainy Day” savings account. ~ Not Completed
9. Set up an entertainment budget of $100.00 a month to use as decided. ~ Not Completed
10. Collect and cash in my change. (Change Jar ready to go) ~ Not Completed
Health and Well Being:
1.Find a specialist to treat my balance disorder . ~Completed. 1/14/2014
2. Lose 50 pounds. ~ A work in progress.
3. Walk 3 times a week, at least a mile each time ~ A work in progress.
4. Drink more water ~ A work in progress.
5.I will participate in a 5K. ~Completed. 5/3/2014
6. Spend less time online ~ A work in progress.
7. Read one book a month ~ A work in progress.
8. I will learn to start reducing stress. ~ Not Completed
9. I will learn to deal with the stress that I can’t cut from my life. (yoga maybe?) ~ Not Completed
10. I will strive for progress not perfection ~ A work in progress.
Personal:
1. Get my driver’s license, after 13 years I think it is time. ~ Not Completed
2.Get divorce finalized. ~Completed. 9/12/2014
3.Get Married. ~Completed. 9/13/2014
4.Get our own place. ~Completed. 10/31/2014
5.Get our own vehicle. ~Completed.10/27/2014
6.Plan and go on one weekend (4 days) getaway. ~Completed. 7/10-15/2014
7. Be the best partner I can be and appreciate my partner’s efforts at being the same.~ A work in progress.
8. Get more sleep. Be in bed with the lights out by 11:00pm. ~ A work in progress.
9. Do not be late for work, get up earlier and get my head in the game. ~ A work in progress.
10. I will quit complaining/whining/blaming/making excuses. I will strive to Be Happy. ~ A work in progress.
Finance:
1. Pay off all three credit cards.
- Balance as of 12/31/13: $535.51 ~ Not Completed
- Balance as of 12/31/13: $419.23 ~ Not Completed
- Balance as of 12/31/13: $371.12 ~ Not Completed
2. NO MORE PAYDAY LOANS! NO MORE PAWN SHOPS! NO MORE OVERDRAFT FEES! Spend only what I have to spend!
Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 713.63~ Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 561.50~ Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 310.88~ Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 283.00~ Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 270.09~ Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 213.50~ Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 171.80~ Paid Off 1/15/14
Nevada Energy:~ Completed. 2/14/2014Cox Cable:~ Completed. 3/5/2014Verizon Wireless: ~ Completed. 2/14/2014Southwest Gas:~ Completed. 2/14/2014
5.
6.
7. Set aside $50.00 each paycheck into the “Home Sweet Home” savings account. ~ Not Completed
8. Participate in the 52 Week Challenge and deposit into the “Rainy Day” savings account. ~ Not Completed
9. Set up an entertainment budget of $100.00 a month to use as decided. ~ Not Completed
10. Collect and cash in my change. (Change Jar ready to go) ~ Not Completed
Health and Well Being:
1.
2. Lose 50 pounds. ~ A work in progress.
3. Walk 3 times a week, at least a mile each time ~ A work in progress.
4. Drink more water ~ A work in progress.
5.
6. Spend less time online ~ A work in progress.
7. Read one book a month ~ A work in progress.
8. I will learn to start reducing stress. ~ Not Completed
9. I will learn to deal with the stress that I can’t cut from my life. (yoga maybe?) ~ Not Completed
10. I will strive for progress not perfection ~ A work in progress.
Personal:
1. Get my driver’s license, after 13 years I think it is time. ~ Not Completed
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7. Be the best partner I can be and appreciate my partner’s efforts at being the same.~ A work in progress.
8. Get more sleep. Be in bed with the lights out by 11:00pm. ~ A work in progress.
9. Do not be late for work, get up earlier and get my head in the game. ~ A work in progress.
10. I will quit complaining/whining/blaming/making excuses. I will strive to Be Happy. ~ A work in progress.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 34
Starting Weight: 276.6
Last Weigh In Weight: 276.6
Today's Weigh In Weight: 273.2
This Week's Weight Loss: ↓ 3.4
BMI: 44.1 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 3.4 lbs
Thursday, April 24, 2014
First Semester Completed
First Semester Completed Tonight - This Weekend We Par-tayyyyy!!!
97 (A) - CPR & First Aid
93 (A) - Study Skills
92 (B) - Computer Basics
91 (B) - Math Fundamentals
88 (B) - Anatomy, Physiology, and Terminology
They aren't as high as I would have liked but I will be happy I earned them.
Grading Scale
A: 93% - 100%
B: 85% - 92.9%
C: 77% - 84.9%
F: 0% - 76.9%
97 (A) - CPR & First Aid
93 (A) - Study Skills
92 (B) - Computer Basics
91 (B) - Math Fundamentals
88 (B) - Anatomy, Physiology, and Terminology
They aren't as high as I would have liked but I will be happy I earned them.
Grading Scale
A: 93% - 100%
B: 85% - 92.9%
C: 77% - 84.9%
F: 0% - 76.9%
Monday, March 31, 2014
Feeling Edukated
CSK 100 Study Skills - Completed - 93% A
CCB 100 Computer Basics - Completed - 92.5% B
CAT 150 Anatomy, Physiology, and Terminology - In Progress - 92% B
CMF 95 Math Fundamentals - Starts Tomorrow
CHS 100 CPR & First Aid - Pending (4/21-24)
Grade Scale 100-93: A
92-85: B
84-77: C
77 and below F
CCB 100 Computer Basics - Completed - 92.5% B
CAT 150 Anatomy, Physiology, and Terminology - In Progress - 92% B
CMF 95 Math Fundamentals - Starts Tomorrow
CHS 100 CPR & First Aid - Pending (4/21-24)
Grade Scale 100-93: A
92-85: B
84-77: C
77 and below F
Monday, March 17, 2014
Group Presentation OMG!
Group Presentation completed without fainting or puking! One of our team members quit right before class so we had to scramble but we managed to stretch it out for 15 minutes. On a happier note I passed my first official test I made a 90 in Anatomy, Physiology, and Terminology.
Friday, March 14, 2014
I got this
Well I have survived my first week of work plus going to night school. If you had asked me last night how it was going you would have heard "I will never be able to keep up with this pace", "I have bitten off more than I can chew", or "I can't do this". But after a good night sleep (finally) and some motivational help from the love of my life, I realize I just have to give my body a little more time to adjust to it's new pace.
I got this, I can do this, and I WILL do this.
I got this, I can do this, and I WILL do this.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Biggest Cheerleader
I just want to let my friends and family know I may be scarce for the next 9-10 months. I am working Monday through Friday from 8:30am until 5:00pm, after which I am attending Night School Monday through Thursday from 5:30pm until 10:00pm for my Medical Assistant Degree.
If you leave a message I will get back to you in a timely manner but it may take a couple of days. I love ya'll, I want to chat and socialize, but my focus right now is on my work, my school and my man! He is amazing and my biggest cheerleader.
If you leave a message I will get back to you in a timely manner but it may take a couple of days. I love ya'll, I want to chat and socialize, but my focus right now is on my work, my school and my man! He is amazing and my biggest cheerleader.
Books or Boat Anchor
Survived my first night, have a very nice down to earth instructor, got my text book for the first 6 weeks (It weighs about the same as a boat anchor) and didn't puke on anyone. All in all I say it was a good evening, now let see what work brings tomorrow.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
What the . . .
I just had the most interesting 24 hours I have had in a very long time. Steve and I awoke yesterday both with diarrhea and vomiting. As the day progressed Steve got to feeling better and I spiked a fever, I took aspirin and the fever continued to go up and up. Around 11:00 pm last night it hit 102.9 and I broke out in hives all over my upper body and began shaking uncontrollably and my legs locked up. You could not had convinced me at this time I was not dying. I took benadryl and a muscle relaxer and laid down to wait it out. At some point I finally fell asleep. I am awake now and I have a temperature of 100.1 and my neck is swollen on the outside not the inside, otherwise I feel fine. Hopefully the getting better will continue today cause I ain't got know time for this tomorrow!
Friday, March 7, 2014
Night School Starts Monday
I am really anxious about school starting Monday night. I keep giving myself pep talks "you can do it" - "anyone can do anything for nine months" - "It will not be that difficult and you will enjoy learning something new and exciting". But deep down that little voice keeps saying you have bitten off way more than you can handle at your age and with your responsibilities so give up now before you make a fool of yourself.
Will someone please get that little voice some xanax, liqour, and chocolate so she will shut the fuk up? Because I am going to do this whether I believe I can or not!
Will someone please get that little voice some xanax, liqour, and chocolate so she will shut the fuk up? Because I am going to do this whether I believe I can or not!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 6
Starting Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 266.4
Last Weigh In Weight: 266.4
Today's Weigh In Weight: 272.0
This Week's Weight Gain: ↑ 5.6
BMI: 42.6 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 2.3 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 2.3 lbs
Monday, February 3, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 5
Starting Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 269.4
Today's Weigh In Weight: 266.4
This Week's Weight Loss: ↓ 3.0
BMI: 41.7 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 7.9 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 7.9 lbs
Friday, January 24, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 4
Starting Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 269.2
Last Weigh In Weight: 269.2
Today's Weigh In Weight: 269.4
This Week's Weight Gain: ↑ 0.2
BMI: 42.2 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 4.9 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 4.9 lbs
Friday, January 17, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 3
Starting Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 268.0
Last Weigh In Weight: 268.0
Today's Weigh In Weight: 269.2
This Week's Weight Gain: ↑ 1.2
BMI: 42.2 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 5.1 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 5.1 lbs
Belinda Riley-Sanders completed a 1.56 mi. running activity.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
More Questions Than Answers
I went to see the ENT (Doctor 3) that specializes in Menerie's Disease and BPPV to receive the ear injections that the last ENT (Doctor 2) said I needed to help ease my vertigo attacks. I met and spoke for several minutes with the MD and after going over my symptoms and answering all the questions he had asked he informed me I did not have Menerie's Disease nor did I have BPPV, he asked if I would mind him running some test with his people because he does not know the accuracy of the test previously done.
He performed two test in his office and has set me up for an MRI and a videonystagmography next Friday. He does not know what is wrong with me at this time but he assures me he will figure it out by process of elimination. He also asked me to discontinue taking meclizine because in some patient it causes severe dizziness instead of curing it. So come to find out that the medication that the first two MDs were giving me for my vertigo may have been the very thing that was keeping me sick for the past 6 months.
I feel comfortable with this ENT and he seems competent so I am hoping we will have more answers than questions soon.
He performed two test in his office and has set me up for an MRI and a videonystagmography next Friday. He does not know what is wrong with me at this time but he assures me he will figure it out by process of elimination. He also asked me to discontinue taking meclizine because in some patient it causes severe dizziness instead of curing it. So come to find out that the medication that the first two MDs were giving me for my vertigo may have been the very thing that was keeping me sick for the past 6 months.
I feel comfortable with this ENT and he seems competent so I am hoping we will have more answers than questions soon.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 2
Starting Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 271.0
Today's Weigh In Weight: 268.0
This Week's Weight Loss: ↓ 3.0
BMI: 42.0 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 6.3 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 6.3 lbs
Thursday, January 9, 2014
CATS and Flying Pigs
I would say the worst thing about Meniere’s Disease/BPPV is never knowing when an attack is going to hit. I think as a victim of this chronic disease we try to blame anything and everything on an attack, I ate too much salt last night, I stressed to much today, I did not get enough sleep – but the reality is sometimes an attack just hits because that is a characteristic of this disease. Over the past six months, I have had few ups, and many, many downs.
While at my ENT appointment on Tuesday (January 7, 2014) my physician instructed me to start avoiding CATS. Of course the first thing I thought was I have four of them how am I suppose to do that and what do they have to do with my current symptoms? He went on to explain that eliminating Caffeine, Alcohol, Tension and Sodium from my life would do wonders to help control my symptoms. OMG I thought this man is insane I live on caffeine and sodium and I never have a day that I do not suffer from tension, the illness itself is stressful each and every day.
Of course the first thing I did was come home and finish off a 2 liter bottle of Mt Dew convincing myself that if I didn't drink it would be wasted and once it is gone I will not be tempted. Then off course I decided that I would have all the other bad things I can no longer have, one last day of CATS to get it out of my system! About the only thing this thinking accomplished was making my symptoms worse, which resulting in me falling (January 8, 2014) on the way back from the bathroom and thinking I had broken my wrist. Thank goodness the wrist is not broken just painful and bruised.
So today I woke up and decided to start making the changes in my life, though I think teaching a pig to fly would be a much easier task. I have had zero caffeine today, no table salt and stayed below my set 1,500 milligrams of sodium. Tension/Stress well lets just say I am trying, but sitting and dwelling on having a needle shoved into your ear is stressful unfortunately and I do not see that changing until after the procedure is accomplished and then I have to stress about missing work, loss of income, being unable to pay bills, how to stay afloat while not getting paid while out on medical leave (head explodes).
While at my ENT appointment on Tuesday (January 7, 2014) my physician instructed me to start avoiding CATS. Of course the first thing I thought was I have four of them how am I suppose to do that and what do they have to do with my current symptoms? He went on to explain that eliminating Caffeine, Alcohol, Tension and Sodium from my life would do wonders to help control my symptoms. OMG I thought this man is insane I live on caffeine and sodium and I never have a day that I do not suffer from tension, the illness itself is stressful each and every day.
Of course the first thing I did was come home and finish off a 2 liter bottle of Mt Dew convincing myself that if I didn't drink it would be wasted and once it is gone I will not be tempted. Then off course I decided that I would have all the other bad things I can no longer have, one last day of CATS to get it out of my system! About the only thing this thinking accomplished was making my symptoms worse, which resulting in me falling (January 8, 2014) on the way back from the bathroom and thinking I had broken my wrist. Thank goodness the wrist is not broken just painful and bruised.
So today I woke up and decided to start making the changes in my life, though I think teaching a pig to fly would be a much easier task. I have had zero caffeine today, no table salt and stayed below my set 1,500 milligrams of sodium. Tension/Stress well lets just say I am trying, but sitting and dwelling on having a needle shoved into your ear is stressful unfortunately and I do not see that changing until after the procedure is accomplished and then I have to stress about missing work, loss of income, being unable to pay bills, how to stay afloat while not getting paid while out on medical leave (head explodes).
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Get Down With BPPV
Well my 6 month illness finally has a name. On top of my Menerie's Disease I have been diagnosed by the ENT specialist as suffering from Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. What is this tongue twister disease you may ask.
BPPV occurs as a result of otoconia, tiny crystals of calcium carbonate that are a normal part of the inner ear’s anatomy, detaching from the otolithic membrane in the utricle and collecting in one of the semicircular canals. When the head is still, gravity causes the otoconia to clump and settle. When the head moves, the otoconia shift. This stimulates the cupula to send false signals to the brain, producing vertigo and triggering nystagmus (involuntary eye movements). So basically I have rocks in my head - we already new this right?
Treatment: Dexamethasone intratympanic injection. Yep long needles shoved into my eardrum with the purpose of relocating the particles to an area of the inner ear which does not cause vertigo. However, after several months or years these particles can find their way back into areas of the inner ear which will require a repeat treatment.
Conclusion: We know what it is, how to treat it, and I have a whole week to sit here (scheduled 01/14/14) and think about how scary this all sounds but if it will give me quality of life back I think it 100% worth the discomfort and fear.
BPPV occurs as a result of otoconia, tiny crystals of calcium carbonate that are a normal part of the inner ear’s anatomy, detaching from the otolithic membrane in the utricle and collecting in one of the semicircular canals. When the head is still, gravity causes the otoconia to clump and settle. When the head moves, the otoconia shift. This stimulates the cupula to send false signals to the brain, producing vertigo and triggering nystagmus (involuntary eye movements). So basically I have rocks in my head - we already new this right?
Treatment: Dexamethasone intratympanic injection. Yep long needles shoved into my eardrum with the purpose of relocating the particles to an area of the inner ear which does not cause vertigo. However, after several months or years these particles can find their way back into areas of the inner ear which will require a repeat treatment.
Conclusion: We know what it is, how to treat it, and I have a whole week to sit here (scheduled 01/14/14) and think about how scary this all sounds but if it will give me quality of life back I think it 100% worth the discomfort and fear.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
My name is Belinda and I have Meniere's Disease
I have Meniere’s Disease, and although it does not define me, it is my constant companion.
I was diagnosed with this disease in my early twenties after going through a battery of test for dizziness, vertigo, and hearing issues I was having. I would have an occasional episode every so often, riding in the back seat of a car, reading in a moving vehicle, anything that goes round and round would always cause a episode that last several minutes or sometimes hours. Amusement parks became my mortal enemy, and I hated flying and bus trips. Then about 8 years ago the disease vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Little did I know it was lying dormant, just waiting. Meniere’s is a sneaky, cheating, ambushing disease which, after hitting you hard and making life unbearable, goes and hides – only to pounce back when you are least expecting it, and this time it came back with a vengeance.
I have been experience severe meniere's episodes for the past six months with no sign that they are even considering stopping. I am trapped inside my own body. Like a prisoner, I have no control. I wake up and upon attempting to sit up the room starts spinning like a tilt a whirl. I need assistance to get from the bed to the bathroom and back to the bed, my body feels as though it is a raving drunk though I am completely sober. I have severe nausea, vomiting, for which I am eating Meclizine like candy for and it no longer seems to have any affect. Light hurts my eyes, my head is in a fog, I can't focus or concentrate. My ear slosh or buzz or hum or a combination of all three at the same time. I lay in my bed on my right side in the fetal position in the dark with a cold wash cloth on my head and pray for death, death would be quicker and more humane. Once all the symptoms subside your body crashes, you sleep for hours or days and once you awaken you still feel drained.
I am at this posting coming down from a 3 day episode. I hope and pray when I awake Monday morning I will be able to go to work and be a "normal" person. It is sad when the biggest event of the last four days of your life was being able to wash your hair without someone standing outside the shower making sure you didn't fall and crack your head on the faucet. Yep this year has to get better.
I was diagnosed with this disease in my early twenties after going through a battery of test for dizziness, vertigo, and hearing issues I was having. I would have an occasional episode every so often, riding in the back seat of a car, reading in a moving vehicle, anything that goes round and round would always cause a episode that last several minutes or sometimes hours. Amusement parks became my mortal enemy, and I hated flying and bus trips. Then about 8 years ago the disease vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Little did I know it was lying dormant, just waiting. Meniere’s is a sneaky, cheating, ambushing disease which, after hitting you hard and making life unbearable, goes and hides – only to pounce back when you are least expecting it, and this time it came back with a vengeance.
I have been experience severe meniere's episodes for the past six months with no sign that they are even considering stopping. I am trapped inside my own body. Like a prisoner, I have no control. I wake up and upon attempting to sit up the room starts spinning like a tilt a whirl. I need assistance to get from the bed to the bathroom and back to the bed, my body feels as though it is a raving drunk though I am completely sober. I have severe nausea, vomiting, for which I am eating Meclizine like candy for and it no longer seems to have any affect. Light hurts my eyes, my head is in a fog, I can't focus or concentrate. My ear slosh or buzz or hum or a combination of all three at the same time. I lay in my bed on my right side in the fetal position in the dark with a cold wash cloth on my head and pray for death, death would be quicker and more humane. Once all the symptoms subside your body crashes, you sleep for hours or days and once you awaken you still feel drained.
I am at this posting coming down from a 3 day episode. I hope and pray when I awake Monday morning I will be able to go to work and be a "normal" person. It is sad when the biggest event of the last four days of your life was being able to wash your hair without someone standing outside the shower making sure you didn't fall and crack your head on the faucet. Yep this year has to get better.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Tales of the Scale ~ Week 1
Starting Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 274.3
Last Weigh In Weight: 274.3
Today's Weigh In Weight: 271.0
This Week's Weight Loss: ↓ 3.3
BMI: 42.4 - Extremely Obese
Total Weight Loss: 3.3
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 Goals and Dreams
I am truly looking forward to 2014 as being a year of new beginnings, adventures and a healthy, happy me. I have my goals in place and I look forward to watching them unfold! I might add more things to the list as the year progresses, but I definitely want to be able to check off all of the below by the end of 2014.
Finance:
1. Pay off all three credit cards.
3. By end of the year have all utility bills on automatic bill pay.
5.Increase my 401k contribution to 5% ~ Completed. 1/5/2014
6.Buy stock and make a profit. ~ Completed. 3/5/2014
7. Set aside $50.00 each paycheck into the “Home Sweet Home” savings account.
8. Participate in the 52 Week Challenge and deposit into the “Rainy Day” savings account.
9. Set up an entertainment budget of $100.00 a month to use as decided.
10. Collect and cash in my change. (Change Jar ready to go)
Health and Well Being:
1.Find a specialist to treat my balance disorder . ~Completed. 1/14/2014
2. Lose 50 pounds. ~ A work in progress.
3. Walk 3 times a week, at least a mile each time ~ A work in progress.
4. Drink more water ~ A work in progress.
5.I will participate in a 5K. ~Completed. 5/3/2014
6. Spend less time online ~ A work in progress.
7. Read one book a month ~ A work in progress.
8. I will learn to start reducing stress.
9. I will learn to deal with the stress that I can’t cut from my life. (yoga maybe?)
10. I will strive for progress not perfection ~ A work in progress.
Personal:
1. Get my driver’s license, after 13 years I think it is time.
2. Get divorce finalized. ~ A work in progress.
3. Get married. ~ A work in progress.
4. Get our own home. ~ A work in progress.
5.Plan and go on one weekend (4 days) get away. ~Completed. 7/10-15/2014
6. Spend New Year’s Eve 2014 on the strip with my partner.
7. Be the best partner I can be and appreciate my partner’s efforts at being the same.~ A work in progress.
8. Get more sleep. Be in bed with the lights out by 11:00pm. ~ A work in progress.
9. Do not be late for work, get up earlier and get my head in the game. ~ A work in progress.
10. I will quit complaining/whining/blaming/making excuses. I will strive to Be Happy. ~ A work in progress.
Finance:
1. Pay off all three credit cards.
- Balance as of 12/31/13: $535.51
- Balance as of 12/31/13: $419.23
- Balance as of 12/31/13: $371.12
2. NO MORE PAYDAY LOANS! NO MORE PAWN SHOPS! NO MORE OVERDRAFT FEES! Spend only what I have to spend!
Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 713.63~Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 561.50~Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 310.88~Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 283.00~Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 270.09~Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 213.50~Paid Off 1/15/14Balance as of 12/31/13: $ 171.80~Paid Off 1/15/14
Nevada Energy:~ Completed. 2/14/2014Cox Cable:~ Completed. 3/5/2014Verizon Wireless: ~ Completed. 2/14/2014Southwest Gas:~ Completed. 2/14/2014
5.
6.
7. Set aside $50.00 each paycheck into the “Home Sweet Home” savings account.
8. Participate in the 52 Week Challenge and deposit into the “Rainy Day” savings account.
9. Set up an entertainment budget of $100.00 a month to use as decided.
10. Collect and cash in my change. (Change Jar ready to go)
Health and Well Being:
1.
2. Lose 50 pounds. ~ A work in progress.
3. Walk 3 times a week, at least a mile each time ~ A work in progress.
4. Drink more water ~ A work in progress.
5.
6. Spend less time online ~ A work in progress.
7. Read one book a month ~ A work in progress.
8. I will learn to start reducing stress.
9. I will learn to deal with the stress that I can’t cut from my life. (yoga maybe?)
10. I will strive for progress not perfection ~ A work in progress.
Personal:
1. Get my driver’s license, after 13 years I think it is time.
2. Get divorce finalized. ~ A work in progress.
3. Get married. ~ A work in progress.
4. Get our own home. ~ A work in progress.
5.
6. Spend New Year’s Eve 2014 on the strip with my partner.
7. Be the best partner I can be and appreciate my partner’s efforts at being the same.~ A work in progress.
8. Get more sleep. Be in bed with the lights out by 11:00pm. ~ A work in progress.
9. Do not be late for work, get up earlier and get my head in the game. ~ A work in progress.
10. I will quit complaining/whining/blaming/making excuses. I will strive to Be Happy. ~ A work in progress.
Happy New Year
I am truly looking forward to 2014 as being a year of new beginnings, adventures and a healthy, happy me. To my partner who is my best friend and the love of my life I could not have made it through this year without you. To my friends and family may this new year be a new beginning for us all and may we all find some organized chaos in our lives.
Starting Weight: 274.3
BMI: 43.0 - Extremely Obese
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