Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 has left the building

Hello Everyone! I've been sick in bed with a bad cough, sore throat, low-grade fever, chills, the works. Did you know that giving birth makes you lose control of your bladder when you cough, sneeze or laugh hard?

Nice visual, huh?!

While laying around in bed with my thoughts I started thinking back on this year and where I have been. Of course, the most important thing that happened to me this year was meeting the kind, caring, wonderful man that I now call my fiance, Bruce. The last 4 months with him in my life have been wonderful. His love has brought wholeness to my life. He is simply amazing. Hopefully, soon we will not have so many miles separating us.

Overall 2007 was one of the hardest years of my life - there was far too much sickness, uncertainty, and unnecessary stress. There are a few things I wouldn't want to be without from this year, yet I would not like to go through this year again. Life has been to painful this year and now I gladly bid 2007 farewell.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Moments

There are days in this life I lead, in which I can only wish for them to never end.

There are days in this life I lead, in which I find myself weary, weary of feeling.

Our lives are filled with moments. So many moments.

We wish for the joyful moments, dream of them, ache for them.

In recent months, my moments have been filled with joy, sadness, love, despair, relief, fear, dread, angst, hilarity, laughter, small smiles, and many more tears than I have ever wished to shed.

As I pause to examine these moments of my life, many have made me weary and I have wished for them to leave me. But, upon closer examination, each of these moments, no matter how draining, have been filled with gifts.

The gift of self-knowledge, the gift of knowing I am loved, the gift of faith in myself, the gift of hope, the gift of dreams, so many more gifts I am unable to name.

These moments of my life have allowed my to see more clearly.

Fear is not my enemy, it is my teacher, I grow stronger each time I face a new one down.

Tears are not my enemy, they cleanse my soul, and enable me to face another day.

Anger has not visited me recently, I am hoping it does not, but if it does, I will not view it as an enemy, but as one more lesson of life that I must learn from.

I know there will be many, so many moments in future days and months to come, when my emotions will run up and down the scale. Moments I will wish out of existence.

But, there is also a fragment of my soul, or perhaps a small glittering light in my heart, that allows me to know there will always be moments, albeit often infinitesimal ones, but, there will be moments of peaceful contentment.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas Everyone

Wishing you the true gifts of Christmas, special moments shared with family, good times filled with laughter, and memories that warm the heart and last forever.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Quiet Darkness

Here I sit in the quiet darkness of the night, awake as always, and you are sleeping. Our lives go on, oceans apart, hours separating us. Still, somehow, we connect, just like now, when I feel you in my heart and soul.

You may be far away, but you are still right by my side, my strength, my heart, that voice that moves me forward. How can I ever describe what my heart feels at this moment? There are not words that can capture such a feeling, but then we need no words. This bond is ours, no matter where life may lead us.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Bring On The Rain

It's raining outside. Nothing too sloppy or wet. But I can hear the soft tapping of the rain against my window. It's asking me to go outside and play. I have always loved the rain. I can stand outside for hours on end and just let it pour over me and drench me. The weather seems to be in tune with my mood this evening. Maybe I should take some advice from the following song.
Another day has almost come and gone
Cant imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war cause

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down
Im not gonna cry
And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

No News is Good News

Whoever penned this statement was obviously not looking for a job. No news in my case equals more rejection. It is strange not working, I miss human interaction, I miss feeling like I am part of a team set to accomplish something, and of course, I miss the {looking at checkbook balance} money.

I'm stressing about this over and over again. I can't sleep at night because my brain won't switch off. I know I should stop thinking about it but I can't and the more I think about it the more panicky I feel.

I'm just going to wallow in self-pity until after the new year, then hit the want ads again. I can't deal with any more rejection this year.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Where are you Christmas

I don't know about anyone else but I am so not ready for Christmas. I cannot believe it is almost here! NINE more days. I've gone through the motions of buying gifts, sending cards, and we even have our Christmas tree up and various other Christmas decorations throughout the house. But despite that, I don't have any Christmas spirit. I don't know why. Sighhhh...

I am sure my present status of being unemployed, broke and my boyfriend being a zillion miles away have a lot to do with it.

And to top off this wonderful weekend my Cowboys lost!! :(

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Getting Easier

I had an interview this afternoon with a nice young woman named Suzanne at the hotel/casino I previously mentioned. It actually was more pleasant than I expected, and Suzanne was very easy to talk to. It was alot easier than my previous interviews.

Its becoming more and more difficult not to go to these interviews, clear my throat and say, "Ok. Here's the deal. I'm not stupid. I have an education. I show up. On time. I do not cheat or steal. I work hard as long as I am not patronized or hen-pecked. I am competent in most things, and willing to learn most others. I need money badly, insurance, and a little time off a year. JUST GIVE ME A DAMN JOB."

Suzanne will be making her finally decision on Friday (Cross Fingers and Pray!)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

So Close But Yet

In a way, searching for a job is more exhausting and stressful than actually working at one. For four solid weeks, I have devoted my time and energy to things like improving my resume, studying the want ads, and setting up the all elusive interview. Today and yesterday the job search websites and listings have been very light, almost nothing new, and the stuff that is new is lousy! Low-paying crap with no benefits, telemarketing, and commission jobs.

I think the interview yesterday went well, but then again, what the hell do I know? If I was brilliant as all that, I guess I'd have a job by now. I followed up on a couple of more job leads this afternoon after sleeping for about 20 hours (really good meds) and I have another interview set up tomorrow at 1pm at a nearby hotel/casino for a operator position. It sounds like a great position, the commute is decent, and the pay is alot better than my last job.

Bruce has been so strong and supportive during this. There has not been one thing that I have wanted to do that he has not supported. He stands by me regardless of what it is, and when I have failed at what I set out to do, he is still there encouraging me to go on. He is simply amazing.

Alright back to my regular business of worrying, fretting, and panicking about my joblessness and lack of money. Why should today be any different?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Happy "Crappy" Monday

Well, the rest of my cold finally caught up with my headache and body aches. About 12am this morning I started coughing and sneezing my head off and my nose started running. I really don't need this today!! And to you people who don't think God has a sense of humor, he decided to throw my monthly visitor in this morning for good measures.

I have a job interview at 11am wish me luck... I am going to need it.....

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Still Alive

I feel like I'm losing it. My last shred of sanity is slipping away. I can't even hold a coherent conversation. Stress has taken its toll. The lines around my eyes have deepened, circles under them darken. When I'm stressed I start out looking worse than I feel, but then I start feeling as bad as I look. I have had a headache and various body aches for a week now.

I am sick and tired of the rejection of trying to find a job. I am a hard worker and feel I am very well rounded and educated but no one seems to see that so far in my adventure of job hunting. I am so disillusioned that I don't even want to try anymore. I am sick of my mothers attitude because I haven't been able to find a job. I still find it amazing that no matter how old I get my mother can still make me feel like I am 3 years old at times.

Somehow, someway, things find a way of working themselves out. The harder we push, the more difficult the situation becomes it seems. Sometimes you got to sit back, relax, and the good things will come to you eventually. Everything is going to be ok. I'm sure of it?