2007 has left the building

Hello Everyone! I've been sick in bed with a bad cough, sore throat, low-grade fever, chills, the works. Did you know that giving birth makes you lose control of your bladder when you cough, sneeze or laugh hard?

Nice visual, huh?!

While laying around in bed with my thoughts I started thinking back on this year and where I have been. Of course, the most important thing that happened to me this year was meeting the kind, caring, wonderful man that I now call my fiance, Bruce. The last 4 months with him in my life have been wonderful. His love has brought wholeness to my life. He is simply amazing. Hopefully, soon we will not have so many miles separating us.

Overall 2007 was one of the hardest years of my life - there was far too much sickness, uncertainty, and unnecessary stress. There are a few things I wouldn't want to be without from this year, yet I would not like to go through this year again. Life has been to painful this year and now I gladly bid 2007 farewell.

Moments

There are days in this life I lead, in which I can only wish for them to never end.

There are days in this life I lead, in which I find myself weary, weary of feeling.

Our lives are filled with moments. So many moments.

We wish for the joyful moments, dream of them, ache for them.

In recent months, my moments have been filled with joy, sadness, love, despair, relief, fear, dread, angst, hilarity, laughter, small smiles, and many more tears than I have ever wished to shed.

As I pause to examine these moments of my life, many have made me weary and I have wished for them to leave me. But, upon closer examination, each of these moments, no matter how draining, have been filled with gifts.

The gift of self-knowledge, the gift of knowing I am loved, the gift of faith in myself, the gift of hope, the gift of dreams, so many more gifts I am unable to name.

These moments of my life have allowed my to see more clearly.

Fear is not my enemy, it is my teacher, I grow stronger each time I face a new one down.

Tears are not my enemy, they cleanse my soul, and enable me to face another day.

Anger has not visited me recently, I am hoping it does not, but if it does, I will not view it as an enemy, but as one more lesson of life that I must learn from.

I know there will be many, so many moments in future days and months to come, when my emotions will run up and down the scale. Moments I will wish out of existence.

But, there is also a fragment of my soul, or perhaps a small glittering light in my heart, that allows me to know there will always be moments, albeit often infinitesimal ones, but, there will be moments of peaceful contentment.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Wishing you the true gifts of Christmas, special moments shared with family, good times filled with laughter, and memories that warm the heart and last forever.

Quiet Darkness

Here I sit in the quiet darkness of the night, awake as always, and you are sleeping. Our lives go on, oceans apart, hours separating us. Still, somehow, we connect, just like now, when I feel you in my heart and soul.

You may be far away, but you are still right by my side, my strength, my heart, that voice that moves me forward. How can I ever describe what my heart feels at this moment? There are not words that can capture such a feeling, but then we need no words. This bond is ours, no matter where life may lead us.

Bring On The Rain

It's raining outside. Nothing too sloppy or wet. But I can hear the soft tapping of the rain against my window. It's asking me to go outside and play. I have always loved the rain. I can stand outside for hours on end and just let it pour over me and drench me. The weather seems to be in tune with my mood this evening. Maybe I should take some advice from the following song.

Another day has almost come and gone

Cant imagine what else could wrong

Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door

A single battle lost but not the war cause

Tomorrows another day

And Im thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round

A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,

I might hang my head

I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrows another day

And Im thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down

Im not gonna cry

And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight

No News is Good News

Whoever penned this statement was obviously not looking for a job. No news in my case equals more rejection. It is strange not working, I miss human interaction, I miss feeling like I am part of a team set to accomplish something, and of course, I miss the {looking at checkbook balance} money.

I'm stressing about this over and over again. I can't sleep at night because my brain won't switch off. I know I should stop thinking about it but I can't and the more I think about it the more panicky I feel.

I'm just going to wallow in self-pity until after the new year, then hit the want ads again. I can't deal with any more rejection this year.

Where are you Christmas

I don't know about anyone else but I am so not ready for Christmas. I cannot believe it is almost here! NINE more days. I've gone through the motions of buying gifts, sending cards, and we even have our Christmas tree up and various other Christmas decorations throughout the house. But despite that, I don't have any Christmas spirit. I don't know why. Sighhhh...

I am sure my present status of being unemployed, broke and my boyfriend being a zillion miles away have a lot to do with it.

And to top off this wonderful weekend my Cowboys lost!! :(

Getting Easier

I had an interview this afternoon with a nice young woman named Suzanne at the hotel/casino I previously mentioned. It actually was more pleasant than I expected, and Suzanne was very easy to talk to. It was alot easier than my previous interviews.

Its becoming more and more difficult not to go to these interviews, clear my throat and say, "Ok. Here's the deal. I'm not stupid. I have an education. I show up. On time. I do not cheat or steal. I work hard as long as I am not patronized or hen-pecked. I am competent in most things, and willing to learn most others. I need money badly, insurance, and a little time off a year. JUST GIVE ME A DAMN JOB."

Suzanne will be making her finally decision on Friday (Cross Fingers and Pray!)

So Close But Yet

In a way, searching for a job is more exhausting and stressful than actually working at one. For four solid weeks, I have devoted my time and energy to things like improving my resume, studying the want ads, and setting up the all elusive interview. Today and yesterday the job search websites and listings have been very light, almost nothing new, and the stuff that is new is lousy! Low-paying crap with no benefits, telemarketing, and commission jobs.

I think the interview yesterday went well, but then again, what the hell do I know? If I was brilliant as all that, I guess I'd have a job by now. I followed up on a couple of more job leads this afternoon after sleeping for about 20 hours (really good meds) and I have another interview set up tomorrow at 1pm at a nearby hotel/casino for a operator position. It sounds like a great position, the commute is decent, and the pay is alot better than my last job.

Bruce has been so strong and supportive during this. There has not been one thing that I have wanted to do that he has not supported. He stands by me regardless of what it is, and when I have failed at what I set out to do, he is still there encouraging me to go on. He is simply amazing.

Alright back to my regular business of worrying, fretting, and panicking about my joblessness and lack of money. Why should today be any different?

Happy "Crappy" Monday

Well, the rest of my cold finally caught up with my headache and body aches. About 12am this morning I started coughing and sneezing my head off and my nose started running. I really don't need this today!! And to you people who don't think God has a sense of humor, he decided to throw my monthly visitor in this morning for good measures.

I have a job interview at 11am wish me luck... I am going to need it.....

Still Alive

I feel like I'm losing it. My last shred of sanity is slipping away. I can't even hold a coherent conversation. Stress has taken its toll. The lines around my eyes have deepened, circles under them darken. When I'm stressed I start out looking worse than I feel, but then I start feeling as bad as I look. I have had a headache and various body aches for a week now.

I am sick and tired of the rejection of trying to find a job. I am a hard worker and feel I am very well rounded and educated but no one seems to see that so far in my adventure of job hunting. I am so disillusioned that I don't even want to try anymore. I am sick of my mothers attitude because I haven't been able to find a job. I still find it amazing that no matter how old I get my mother can still make me feel like I am 3 years old at times.

Somehow, someway, things find a way of working themselves out. The harder we push, the more difficult the situation becomes it seems. Sometimes you got to sit back, relax, and the good things will come to you eventually. Everything is going to be ok. I'm sure of it?

For My Love

I haven't known you very long

But that's not the way I feel.

I've told you all about me

I have nothing to conceal.

You are my new beginning

You're the door to life beyond

You're all that I could ever want

Or ever need to carry on

You're the future I have dreamed of

You're a new and brighter day

With you, there is no looking back

The past can fade away.

Though I haven't known you very long

You'll find all I've said is true.

I never thought that when we met.

I would fall in love with you.

Bruce, I love you! You are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

You complete me.

Taking Chances

I know I need a change. I know I have options. But I'm afraid. Afraid to leave what I know. Worried that different won't be better. Up until November 8 that was my way of thinking. I was not happy with the way things were going at my job, it seemed I had run out of room for advancement, there were promises made that were not happening, and the ones who were not giving 100% were being rewarded.

I took a vacation (November 1-7) and did some really deep soul searching and decided it was time to be brave and move forward. I called into work the morning I was suppose to return and let them know that I would not be returning, it was time to move on.

I now believe things happen for a reason. I have several job interviews set up and high expectations, and I am also planning a wedding to the most wonderful man I have ever met in my entire life, he completes me in a way no other person has ever come close. So what do you say to taking chances?

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the time you spend with those near and dear to you. I feel truly blessed this Thanksgiving, especially reminiscing on where I was (emotionally) at this time last year. I am very thankful for my wonderful family, my daughters smile, old friends I have reconnected with, the new friends that have come into my life, and for the love of a very very special man who came along and filled my life with joy, companionship, acceptance, smile, tears, laughter and most of all LOVE.

A picture is worth a thousand words

This picture pretty much describes my emotions the past few days. I am really just having a very hard time dealing with life. I need to get away a few days to the beach, to smell the ocean air, to feel the sand between my toes, to bring some sanity back into my life.

Lonely Miles

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or so they say. But lets face reality long distance relationships are very difficult. He came to visit for 10 wonderful life altering days, and the day to leave arrived way to quickly. I have never in my life, felt as alone as I did when he walked through that gate to board that airplane. A piece of me was taken away, a piece of me is missing. He is truly everything I ever wanted in a lover and a friend but our relationship is complicated at best. He has a daughter and obligations that he can't just walk away from and I respect him for that. I also have obligations that I can not walk away from. So for now, my life is in Nevada and his life is in Pennsylvania and between us is many many lonely empty miles.

Today

Today I saw things I didn't want to see.
Today I wondered what tomorrow would be.
Today I was worried and frightened and sad.
Today I appreciated everything I've had.

Tomorrow is uncertain, what will life be?
Tomorrow may have changes in store for me.
I am hoping I can handle the uncertainty with grace.
And be strong enough to cope with anything I need to face.

Do you ever have those days where you just don't feel strong?
Do you panic when you realize that your courage is gone?
Today I saw things I didn't want to see.
Today I saw things that frightened me.

10 Days

10 days does not seem like a very long time when you look at the big picture of life, but 10 days can be a life altering experience. In 10 days I met the love of my life, got engaged, and let my love go. He has completed what wasn't whole and has made me more happy than I have ever been in my life. Right now though I am hurting inside, my emotions are high and empty all at the same time. I want to cry but there are no more tears to release. Nobody said this was going to be easy, but nobody said this was going to be this hard either. He will be back soon but right now every tick of the clock seems like an eternity.

In the meantime, I will keep myself busy by looking for a new job since I came to the realization that life is too short to be consumed with drama and negativity and quit my old job. Here is to new beginnings.

Yes I am still here

A bit over whelmed by life at the moment but I am still here. I have been running around like a crazy woman for a week preparing for Bruce's visit. I am getting things accomplished and my list is almost done which makes me happy.

Bruce will be here in less than 48 hours and will be here for 10 days. It has been a long time, a very long time since I have allowed myself to become excited about anything or anyone for that matter. I look forward to a very relaxing time just getting to know one another face to face.

I have been trying to be optimistic and hopeful and in some instances I have succeeded, but at times I have to fight the feeling of being insufficient. I rarely feel as if I have done enough, as if I AM enough. I try very hard to be secure in myself yet insecurities seem to define my life. I really do not know what the future holds for me but for now, for right now I feel as if anything is possible.

Rainy Days and Mondays

They don't get me down. In fact, I love rainy days. They are comforting in a way I really can't explain. It's so precious when it happens, so rare. As a person that grew up in the South "bad weather" was something that most people felt they just had to deal with. I was an odd one. I've always had this almost unusual affinity for water in general, rainshowers and thunderstorms in particular.

The rain which quickly turned into a light spectacular started around 1am this morning. I heard the rain and saw the lightning, the thunder was soon to follow. I got out of bed and opened the sliding glass door and just stood there enjoying the smell of rain and watching the fat rain drops plop on the patio. Soon the urge to go outside and "play in the rain" took over. I opened the screen door and went outside and sat on the patio in a chair and let the rain just soak me. I loved it. I found it so relaxing and invigorating.

It's not simply the water, but there is something that feels almost cleansing from a rainstorm. I wish for many more Rainy Day Mondays.

And the Survey Says....

I went to my cardiologist appointment this morning for my test results from my echocardiogram, ekg, ultrasound, chest x-ray and lab work. All my test results were great he found nothing abnormal. So basically I am a healthy fat chick with high blood pressure that I will always have to take medication for. The doctor told me to continue my medication, avoid high sodium, keep on dieting (I have lost 43 pounds) and limit my caffiene intake.

So, with the help of drugs, exercise and eating differently – the BP is down. I will have to spend some time at the gym instead of at the computer.  Just think, what if we could use our computers while on a treadmill or exercise bike? Nah, too much multi-tasking.

Surrender

Sometimes in life we surrender to it. We accept what is as truth. We linger on it no more. Sometimes in life we stop. We make no further attempts. Messages are absorbed from skin to soul. We become silent in our understanding.

It is in the precise moment when that stillness comes that all chances are removed and we turn our eyes and hearts away. It is not out of anger or hate, but in simple surrender and acceptance of what is being asked, or not asked.

Life does not afford that a heart remain open forever; unclaimed. In all things, time waits for no man. This much I know as truth.

Finally I Am Feeling Better

I have not gotten any test results back yet, but I have been eating as well as possible, drinking lots of fluids, and taking my medication religiously. Finally I feel a lot better, though not 100%.

Despite all of this, I have met the most wonderful man. He has been there with me every step of the way through all I have been going through the past few weeks. He is kind, caring, gentle and he can make me laugh even on the worst days.

We are taking things one day at at time and very slowly, if a relationship happens GREAT if not I have met a wonderful new friend.

Through this nightmare I have realized I am not alone.

Thank you all my friends for all your messages of support.

My Health Has Taken A Turn For The Worst

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am very sick and that is why I haven't been online. My blood pressure was not responding to medication and my right ankle and foot are swelling daily. I went to the doctor Tuesday, he did a EKG which came back abnormal and my breathing is only at 50% He placed me on 5 medication and set me up an appt for a consult with a cardiologist.

I left the office and went and had labs drawn and came home and called and checked on my other appts. I am seeing the cardiologist Thursday at 3:30 pm and I have an appt Friday to go have a chest x-ray and a bilateral lower ultrasound done.

I took my new medication this morning and my blood pressure bottomed out and made me faint, I spent the rest of the day in the bed unable to move and with dry heaves. So needless to say I am one sick lady.

I will keep everyone updated as I can. Hope everyones week is going alot better than mine.