"Normal" Life

I will be on a plane to Tampa, Florida in 34 days.

I’m already dreading how fast I know the days will go by when I’m with him. I am not looking forward to having those thoughts of this is my last night with him, my last day with him, my last morning with him, my last meal with him. I almost want to just endure the long wait time until he is able to move here. That way neither of us will have to deal with that depressing, fighting back tears moment at the airport when I have to leave him to come back to my “normal” life.

I remember the last time we were standing in an airport. I didn’t want to let him go, I kissed him goodbye and looked into his sad eyes. I promised not to cry and I didn’t while I was standing there holding on for dear life feeling as if my very heart was being ripped out of me. But once we parted and I got a safe distance away I sat down and cried like a baby for at least 15 minutes. The following days are a blur, I spent a lot of time in my room alone and crying about everything and nothing at all.

I love and miss him so very much and just want him to be here in my arms forever.

“When it rains it reminds me of you.  Although 2,250 miles is so far away I still always walk outside in the rain and kiss it just for you. It never fails me, the rain will always come and I will always love you.  The next time you see a storm on the horizon, don’t worry it is just heaven doing me the favor of taking you my kiss.  Walk outside and kiss the rain whenever you need me.

Half Way

Today is a halfway point of sorts in my relationship with Steve, he has officially been gone for 39 days and it is exactly 39 days until I will see him again. I do hope that the next 39 days do not pass as slowly as the first 39 days did. I went out this evening to the pool and swam in the rain it was so exhilarating, relaxing and beautiful. I could feel the rain falling on me cold compared to the warm pool water, I could hear the thunder and see the lightning. The only thing that would have made this evening better would have been being able to share this experience with my love.

40 Days and 40 Nights

It has been a very hectic morning so far today. I woke up at 7:00am and got ready for work, Bruce was also running about trying to get ready for a job interview he has this morning. I went to the kitchen and prepared my lunch for the day and found an envelope on the kitchen table addressed to me. It is from Southwest Gas Corporation and it my first official bill in my name. Now I realize I have been paying these bills all along, but it feels different now that my name is actually on them.

I was able to speak with Steve briefly around 8:30am he sounded so sexy and in such great spirits. I have never met anyone like him, he has so many reasons to be down and depressed and discouraged yet he Is the most amazing, strong, supportive, man. I feel like the luckiest woman alive that he loves me. Just 40 more days my love and we will be in each other’s arms.

Lonely Bed

Steve is home resting, I am bathed and ready for bed, and it is raining outside. Could this be a more perfect evening? Only if my darling were here in the flesh lying in this big lonely bed beside me would it be complete.

You are the reason I wake up in the morning, you are the reason I find a way to smile, you are the one person that can change everything around when it is going bad. Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, and the look in your eyes when you talk to me make me want you more.

Home

I just got off the phone with Steve he is home now and heading straight to bed. As we all know you never get any rest while in the hospital. He sounded so tired and weak these are words that I have never associated with him. He is always the strong one who is always in the best of spirits and never complains about anything. He is the one who is always supporting and taking care of me. He was sent home with more medication, a blood glucose monitoring device and test strips. I will find out more tonight about the prognosis and how long he has to use these. For now I am just happy that he is home and resting comfortably in his own bed.

Life is not always fair

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since yesterday morning. First the doctors said Steve would be in the hospital a couple of days, which then changed to 5-6 days as the day progressed, early this morning they told him he was being discharged today, which then changed to we need to keep you another day. Of course Steve being a man has refused to stay another day and is going home today once they have all his discharge paperwork in order. I am frustrated beyond belief that he is going through all of this alone and there is not a thing I can do for him from here except comfort him over the phone. I should be there taking care of him, talking to doctors and nurses, holding his hand through all the needles and medication. Life is really not fair at times.

Good Night My Love

Steve just called and he sounded so weak and tired. It looks now like he will be spending six or seven days in the hospital instead of the original “few days” he was told this morning. They have filled his eye with a steroid antibiotic and sealed it shut and covered it with an eye patch. They want him to completely rest it and keep the light out of it. He has been started on an IV drip with steroids and other various medications and has been given his first insulin shot in the stomach. The first shot dropped his glucose level into the 300s. He is due another injection at midnight and a blood check at 2:00am. His brother came and visited him earlier and brought him a suit case from home and his phone charger so now we are able to talk and text as much as we want and need too. For now he is comfortable and in very good hands and I am going to try to close my eyes and get some rest. Good Night My Love. I love and miss you more and more with each passing day.

Admitted

Steve has been admitted to his room in Shands Hospital where they have started him on IV antibiotics and an insulin shot in the stomach every 6 hours to get his blood sugar level under control. I spoke with him on the phone and he seems to be in great spirits and he even told me his nurse was a cutie. Yep it is official he is just fine!  His cell phone battery is running very low and he will not have a phone charger until tomorrow so I have to fight the urge to text message him every 3 seconds to see how he is doing. It has really been an emotional day for me and I am quite surprised that I have managed to hold it together so well. I think I may have only cried twice.

From Bad to Worse

I woke up about 10 minutes before my 6:30am alarm this morning and actually got out of bed and got into the shower. This for me is a major accomplishment because I have been turning off my alarm, rolling over and going back to sleep, only to awake again at 7:30am which really sucks when you have to be at work at 8:00am. I was showered, dressed and sitting at my desk typing a Facebook entry and my phone rang at 7:05am and it was Steve.  I always love hearing his voice but especially first thing in the morning. It makes me smile and helps get my day off to a wonderful start. He was at his eye doctor appointment and was calling to make sure I was awake (how sweet) and to let me know that he was being sent for blood work to check his blood glucose level because the test they performed in the office was very high in the 400s.

I received a text message at 8:14am “News went from bad to worse. The doctors have decided I need to be admitted for a couple of days, looks like no skype for a few days” I laughed at first because he was worried about not being able to skype, and then I immediately fell apart and started crying, which is not very productive for work. I NEED to and SHOULD be in Florida taking care of him and not 2,250 miles away feeling helpless, scared and alone. Life is really not fair!!

He called me at 8:20am to tell me that the blood work showed his blood glucose level much higher and they are concerned about diabetes and that his eye is not healing properly from surgery. They are hospitalizing him for a few days to put him on some IV antibiotics and medication for his eye and to get his blood sugar level under control. He called it preventive care. He is so brave and strong and still trying to take care of me and my fears and feelings when I should be the one supporting him. Just one more reason I love him so very much. They already have a room for him and he was heading over to the hospital to be admitted. He promised he would call me the moment he was settled into his room.

What's a Month

I miss him so much. A month ago (35 days to be exact) we were together. It's already been a month. It's only been a month. Some days I can't decide which sentence is more appropriate. I feel like he was just here. I can still feel his hands on my body, his lips brushing against mine, the scent of his cologne and see the love in his eyes. Then again I feel like it's been so long since I kissed him and held him and even longer until I can do it again (43 days to be exact).

Time is a strange thing. It moves in slow segments, seemingly dragging on. But overall, time moves far too quickly. We wish for time to move faster, but this is it. Our time here has an expiration date. Do we really want time to move quickly? But when something is just out of your reach and you're counting down the seconds until it's yours, you can't help but wish for time to speed up.

Some days you feel the sting of absence that comes with a long distance relationship more than usual. Some days you have to fight back tears when you say goodbye. Some days you feel so hopeless you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Some days are harder than others, but for every someday there's most days.

Most days you feel so happy you wonder what's keeping you from floating right up into the clouds. Most days you wonder how you could ever be so lucky as to find someone so wonderful. Most days you feel amazing thinking about the next time you'll be with them. Most days are happier than some days, and as difficult as it can be, I'll push through the some days to keep the happiness that comes with most days.

I will succeed

I slept late today, if you can call 8:00am late. I woke up and immediately called and checked on Steve he sounded really tired, he was up every hour all night putting eye drops in his eye and had a terrible night with nausea.

We talked, laughed and planned our future. He gave me his credit card information and I purchased my plane ticket for September 19-25. I am so excited that our relationship is moving forward and we get closer and closer each day. I went and did my grocery shopping, cooked dinner, and went and took a swim and sat in the hot tub a while this evening. All and all it was a productive day.

I only cried three times today, and I seem to be keeping my food on my stomach instead of it running right through me which is a major improvement. I bought lots of salad fixings and yogurt today with hopes of getting back on my diet starting Monday. I ate so much crap this past week I am surprised I didn’t gain 10 pounds. I had Burger King at least twice, McDonalds, Panda Express, Roberto’s, Willy and Jose’s and a few others I am sure I have forgotten.

I will succeed at getting my life moving forward and breaking free from the past present and move into the present future.

Seeing Clearly

Today is my daughter's 25th birthday, where does the time go? It only seems like yesterday when she was tiny and small and needed me for everything. Now she has a little one of her own and is expecting another. I am feeling very old.

Steve went back to the eye doctor today to have the stitches removed and was placed on a very high dose of oral steroids and given steroid eye drops that he has to place in his eye every hour all weekend long. They are afraid his eye is not producing the pressure it needs to heal correctly and the steroids will help with that and also keep him from getting an infection during the healing process. 

He is feeling very ill tonight and I am feeling very helpless being here and unable to comfort or take care of him. At one point this evening I became very ill and nauseated and had to throw up and lay down momentarily. I think my body is feeling his pain and discomfort even from here.

Got the final bill (Cable) in my name today, things are moving forward.

Past Present and Present Future

Today was Steve’s eye surgery and everything went wonderful, actually it went way better than expected. He was actually able to start seeing out of his eye while they were performing the procedure. This is wonderful NEWS! At this point we do not know how clear his vision will be when his eye is completed healed but we are very hopeful.

Today was also Bruce’s 59th Birthday. I got him a card, a chain to wear our wedding rings around his neck and took him out to dinner at Willy and Jose’s. I am not sure that wearing our wedding rings around his neck is very healthy, but if it brings him comfort then I can’t ask him not to do it.

Willy and Jose’s sucked really bad, that is twice in a row, I probably will not be going back there to give them a chance at that third strike. I feel like I am stuck between my past present and my present future and I am being ripped in two. I do not hate Bruce he is actually a really good friend and I hate to see him hurting. I love Steve with every fiber of my being and want to be in his arms every second of every day.

All of this stress is tearing me up inside.

I love you more

I love you more and more with each breathe I take. You are my world, my life, and my future. God really blessed me when he gave me you. “Text message from Steve” 

Today was a very emotional day for me. I sat at work most of the morning at my desk crying for no real apparent reason. I felt lost, alone, isolated. Every time I would leave my desk people would ask me if I was alright. I got so tired of everyone’s concern, why can’t people just leave me alone?

Of course, I am not alright I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I have asked my husband for a divorce and he is still living in my home.  The man I love is 2,250 miles away and having surgery tomorrow and I should be by his side but instead, I am here, lost, alone, isolated from the one person I want more than anything.

To just be able to feel his touch, kiss his lips, smell his cologne. We have plans for September 19-25 but that seems so far away at this moment, 49 long days and longer nights to be exact. I know I will not sleep tonight worrying about Steve, and I will be a nervous wreck tomorrow until he calls me and tells me surgery is over and he is alright.

On a silent night when friends are few, I close my eyes and think of you, a silent night, a silent tear, a silent wish that you were here.