Steps of Loving a Narcissist

𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊 𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐.

The beginning. A period of sweet, honeymoon-like idealization. Narcissists will put you on a pedestal. They’ll make you feel a love you’ve never felt before. They’ll compliment you, flatter you, buy you gifts, and seem to give you the world. They’ll promise you forever.

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

But you won’t see it. You’ll be blind in love. They may leave clues and red flags but you’ll ignore them because you’ve never felt so good about anything. No one ever treated you this good. You’ve never felt SO important. They’ll appear to be very interested and to want to know everything about you. They’ll want to know your fears, your insecurities, your deepest secrets. You’ll feel so close to them when they share these things with you and you exchange them back. 

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚍. 

They’ll start to target your insecurities, in a way to slowly break you down and make you feel lesser than. They’ll find out what you’re most proud of and they’ll target those areas so that you have nothing. They want you to feel so little. They’ll make you feel like your positive qualities are what they hate about you - so that you’ll tuck those far away.

𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢'𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

You’ll turn into a person you don’t even recognize in order to shape yourself to fit their needs. And why? Why not just walk away when it starts going south?

𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢'𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚋𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚙𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎.

You see they don’t just turn bad one day. This is a slow process of devaluing you as a human. They’ll make you believe that the things they did to you were a direct result of what you did wrong. That if you only loved them more, if you only were a better partner, this wouldn’t happen.

𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚛.

You’ll give it everything you have. You’ll invest every ounce of yourself into making them happy until you have absolutely nothing left for yourself. No love. No self-respect. Nothing.

𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚍.

When you’re about ready to walk away, when you’ve had just enough to break, they will start hovering to regain control. They will pretend they have changed. They will promise to never hurt you again. They will spoil you with that love and attention they gave you in the beginning. They’ll start building you back up with compliments.

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚜𝚘 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎.

Psychologically speaking, they’ve now created a trauma bond. This is a real and very addictive cycle. Your brain will start to crave pleasing them because their love and approval of you becomes like a drug.

𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚝.

You’ll spend a lifetime waiting. Waiting for them to change. Waiting for the kindness to show. Waiting for the right time to end the relationship. It’s only when you stop waiting and start walking away that you begin to process and truly see how disgusting the cycle is.

𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜 𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚒𝚛.

I started taking videos at the end when I knew I was ready to leave because I knew the hoovering stage would pull me back in. Your brain teaches you to forget the things you go through because it craves praise and love so much. These videos help serve as a sick reminder of the number of years I gave to someone who used and abused me. I watch them all the time. Anytime he sends me a nice text. Anytime he sends me flowers. Anytime I feel any empathy towards him.

𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛

What some people forget is that after you leave this type of relationship, it’s still not over. It takes years before it’s really truly over. The cycle continues. They just use other forms. Social media put-downs. Slander. Hateful text messages. Anything they can do to get back under your skin. To regain control. And then back to the hoovering stage to try to win you back. And even with little to no contact and zero physical interaction - it’s a constant battle every day to remind me that their words mean nothing. Their slander means nothing. And I am stronger, fiercer, and braver than everything they ever did to me.

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊 𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐.

♥️