Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas Mourning

Merry Christmas my love, my heart is breaking today. I’ve had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit and here it is Christmas Day and I am missing you so. Staring at your picture, staring at your urn, wondering how to stop hurting so much over the past and what is gone and focus on what is in front of me and the love and joy in my life now. Christmas hurts. Christmas is awesome. Christmas is joy. Christmas is sorrow. Christmas is love. I want to just feel one or the other – the constant tug of both is exhausting…

I want to be full of joy and remember you with the love we shared. I want to look back on our life together and think of all the good times we shared and the path we walked together. I was once told that you grieve as hard as you love. I love you enormously. I grieve for you enormously. It’s been a year today. My life has changed in so many ways. I would do it again, even knowing the outcome, the ending. I would again love you, marry you, I would hold your hand and kiss your forehead as the life left your body. There is a lyric in song that says, “Love is Watching Someone Die”, and I think that is exactly what it is. Being there even then and not looking away. The pain of your loss and trauma from witnessing it and feeling so helpless to save you will be with me forever.

╬ Rest in peace my cowboy ╬

I will see you again one day. It isn't goodbye, just later.